The best and worst Phillies auction items in 2022
The Philadelphia Phillies released their auction items for the Phantastic Auctions 10th anniversary. Of course, it’s all for a good cause, but it’s also a social experiment to see what exactly they can trick Phillies fans to spend money on.
The full list is finally here, and we’ve taken a look at the best and the worst of the items available.
On-Field Workout Class for 25 with Phillies Infielder Alec Bohm – $500
The jokes write themselves here so I’ll just leave it as that.
Mow the Outfield Grass and Grounds Crew Experience at Citizens Bank Park – $760
There are three bids to mow the grass at Citizens Bank Park. You have got to be kidding me. That’s basically working an unpaid/uncredited internship. If you’re doing it simply to give the grounds crew a much needed day off during a grueling 162 game season then maybe I can get behind it, but besides that.
People literally get paid to mow the grass at CBP, you certainly shouldn’t have to pay $1,000s to do it yourself. If there are bids to mow grass, you can pay me to mow a Phillies “P” or Liberty Bell into my lawn for $15.
Behind the Scenes Tour of Citizens Bank Park with Phillies Pitcher Aaron Nola – $500
Talk about a snooze fest. I think I would rather submit myself to slave labor and mow the outfield grass. Baseball players are notoriously boring humans and Aaron Nola might be the worst of the bunch.
Honestly, as I’m writing this, any auction item that doesn’t include John Kruk might be a bad way to spend money.
Dinner Party for Eight with Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt in the Executive Dining Room
Don’t get me wrong, Mike Schmidt is a Phillies legend and probably the greatest Third Baseman in MLB History, but now he’s just in the broadcast crew (Sundays) and sounds completely miserable all the time. I doubt that would change while having dinner with him.
He definitely doesn’t want to be there. Why bother?
Ultimate Dream Wedding at Citizens Bank Park
Likely cost effective and currently has zero bids, but still a tough sell to the ladies, guys so I wouldn’t even bring it up or your marriage could be over before it even starts. I don’t know any girl who wants to have a wedding at Citizens Bank Park, with food catered from Manco & Manco and baseball hat ice cream cups as dessert. Probably best to stay away from this one.
All of the Game Worn Auctions are Bad
Look, I don’t know what creep is bidding $500+ on game worn 2008 pants (a full set of 30) or a pair of cleats worn by Didi Gregorius. Maybe that’s a cool collectors item for some, but I’ll stay away from any game worn auction items.
What on earth am I going to do with JT Realmuto game-worn catching equipment or a player-worn smelly jersey? You can’t wash it. It’s like having a piece of dirty laundry just hanging around in your house with no way to get rid of the smell.
Philadelphia 76ers Gameday Experience
Fuck you. No seriously. Fuck you.
Phillies Legends Charlie Manuel and Larry Bowa Coach Your Baseball or Softball Team for a Game
Absolutely. Imagine having a softball game and you have Charlie Manuel out there saying god knows what while Larry Bowa is sticking it to the gym-class heroes who think they’re playing professional baseball in your local softball league.
Phillie Phanatic Hot Dog Launcher – $500
Yes. I don’t care if it doesn’t have all the operational parts to make it a functioning launcher. At the very least, you have a solid starting point for a cannon shaped as the Phanatic’s head. Find some dork to make this puppy functional and the possibilities of what you can launch out of this thing are endless.
Our very own BeercanBrain has long campaigned for the Phanatic to carry a flamethrower, and doing away with the old equipment would help move that process along.
Round of Golf for Three with Phillies Wall of Famer John Kruk
This has to be the best option available. Think about getting a full 18 in with John Kruk and the boys just crushing beers and shooting the shit.
I’m serious. Think about it. if that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, then you might not be human.
About the Phillies’ Phantastic Auction
Phillies Charities, Inc., the charitable arm of the Phillies organization, makes gifts to charitable organizations that serve a wide variety of needs, primarily in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware, and the communities of its minor league affiliates.
Phillies Charities, Inc. raises funds through a variety of activities throughout the year, including The Phantastic Auction.
Net proceeds from The Phantastic Auction will benefit Phillies Charities, Inc. A portion of those proceeds will be contributed to the ALS Association, Greater Philadelphia Chapter.
Learn more about the Phillies in the community by visiting Phillies.com/community.