Coming off the All-Star break, it was reported that Ben Simmons was going to be ruled out of the game against the Brooklyn Nets due to some back issues. The drama spilled into the game against the Milwaukee Bucks when Simmons was pulled from the game to be reevaluated in the locker room. While I will not be roasting the Sixer’s Medical Staff in this blog, I just know that I am quite tired of their buffoonery. Here are 6 body parts I can do without if that mean’s Ben Simmons will be healthy: 

6. Pinky Toe

Possessing only a single pinky toe, My Grandmother traversed the pits of Atlantic City’s Showboat Casino with relative ease for the better part of a decade. If I have to risk not being able to play “This Little Piggie Went to Market” with my future lady, so be it. I’m ticklish anyway.

5. Lower Legs

Let me be the first to tell you, living without the use of your legs from the knee down would not be ideal. That being said, how badass would it be to have those blade legs like Oscar Pistorius? I’m not saying I could compete for gold at the Paralympics games or anything, but I always thought that my chronic shin splints were holding me back from glory. 

4. Thumbs

Call me old fashioned, but what do we need thumbs for anyway? A thumb war? Grow up. Holding up your child? Overrated. Typing on your phone? Talk to text. MASTURBATION??? God is watching.

Def Leopard’s vaunted drummer, Rick Allen, overcame an amputation of his left arm in 1984 to help construct one of the most popular records of the 1980s, Hysteria. I’m sorry, but if you can put out an ABSOLUTE banger like “Pour Some Sugar on Me” with only one arm, why would you even want a second?

2. Right Arm

As a man who prides himself on being right arm dominant, this would be a tough pill to swallow. Do you understand how much time I have put into developing pick-up strategies that solely relied upon the use of my right arm? I have spent years zeroing in on the perfect angle to lean my arm on the bar top to engage in conversation. The flick of my right wrist to elicit a response. The subtle point I would give to a bartender as they make their way over to MY side of the bar, “Two Please.”  If you are sitting there thinking “Why not just use your left arm for that now?”  It’s in science. Try parting your hair in the other direction for a night, tell me what lack of confidence truly feels like.

1. Head

Some would argue that the head is the most important body part of a Man’s anatomy. I, for one, think that is an absolute fallacy. While all the joys, fears, happiness and some of your best memories in life come from your head, I think I would be able to live without it if it meant Ben Simmons could stay healthy. I’m not asking for any rewards or anything, but I want everyone to recognize that I am really sticking my neck out on this one.