Hey Phillies, Let’s Just Cheat
Hear me out: the Phillies should just cheat in every way possible and win the World Series. What’s the worst that can happen? The GM is forced to resign? See ya later Matt. The organization is fined the maximum allowable amount of 5 million measly dollars? Pretty sure they’ll make that back in crab fry/ twisted tea sales in one weekend alone. They’re forced to fire Joe Girardi? Take one for the team Joe, I need another WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS speech. The MLB is going to do essentially nothing, so why not cheat? I know John Middleton is definitely going to read this blog so I’ve taken the initiative to come up with a few ways to get my cheating proposal off of the ground:
- Bring back the best era of baseball.
The most obvious and HEALTHY choice to cheat is to just go ahead and have the medical staff start-up each player on a cycle of steroids. Just for the playoff push and the playoffs, pee clean and pass all the tests at the beginning of the season and then cycle it up. Maybe keep Andrew Knapp clean and just have him pee for everyone when the time comes, because he’d just be a waste of perfectly good steroids. Think of the possibilities. Bryce Harper with 80 home runs in a season. Rhys with 70. Nola pumping 97 into the 9th inning. JT with even BIGGER forearms and a stronger batting stance. Undoubtedly winning a World Series championship. And if anyone gets caught blame it on their Dominican cousin, misremember, cry a lot, give yourself a cool nickname like the rocket and just deny deny deny. And of course blame and cite the Astros cheating and winning the 2017 World Series and nothing happening.
2. Load the pitching staff up with foreign substances.
Not drugs, refer to the above paragraph for that. Get Phil Niekro as the pitching coach and let’s make some magic happen. I’m talking pine tar on the neck, glove, hat, the bullpen phone, everywhere. Shout out Michael Pineda and the rule-abiding wholesome New York Yankees. Some Vaseline? You bet. Everyone seems to be okay with pine tar in today’s game, just load up on it and be obnoxious. Aaron Nola’s curveball would be untouchable and Zack Wheeler’s sinker would sever just about every bat in the league. If a player is caught just make sure they blame and cite the Astros for cheating and winning the 2017 World Series and nothing happening.
This is where we the fans come into play: Just plainly and simply assaulting the other team with C, D, and 9-volt batteries (the big ones, for those of you that aren’t battery enthusiast). Free battery night at the bank has a pretty nice ring to it if you ask me. Let’s keep traditions alive, JD Drew would be proud. The MLB can’t ban every single person throwing batteries, be sure to be respectful to your ushers and tip your beer vendors well. And of course, if you as a fan are taken to jail all you have to do is blame and cite the Astro’s for cheating and winning the 2017 World Series and nothing happening.
4. Utilization of the Phillie Phanatic
We all know the Phanatic as one of the most iconic, fun-loving, and unpredictable mascots in sports. The Phillies need to capitalize on that unpredictability. I’m talking about getting the Phanatic blackout drunk and running over the other team’s best player with that quad he always drives so recklessly. Going Rambo with hot dog cannon and taking out eyeballs left and right. An elaborate sign-stealing system where the Phanatic’s eyes have military-grade cameras in them and two shakes of his giant green stomach means to sit on a curveball. It’s the perfect plan. What could go wrong? Would the MLB suspend the Phanatic? Absolutely not. Just have a promotion at the stadium for a chance to become the Phanatic and you’d never run out of fans willing to do anything and everything to win at all costs. If you’re ever caught doing anything illegal as the Phanatic all you have to do is blame and cite the Astros for cheating and winning the 2017 World Series and nothing happening.
Rob Manfred is a coward and wouldn’t do anything about any of my suggested ways to cheat. He has no power and has lost all credibility as a commissioner. The Phillies need to strike while the iron is hot. “If you’re not cheating you’re not trying”- AJ Hinch, Jose Altuve, George Springer, probably Jeff Bagwell. In all seriousness I love baseball, it has been one of my favorite sports to watch and play since I was young. What the Houston Astros did is a black eye for the sport and the fact nothing has been done about it and we’re now into spring training in 2020 is absolutely insane. Ban or at least suspend everyone associated with the team from 2017 on. Make up the Astros of AA and AAA players for at least 3 seasons and punish that organization. With that said, I look forward to this season of cheating by the Phils. Let’s just cheat. Nothing is going to happen to the organization just a couple slaps on the wrist and having to face the media. Everyone already hates and Philly and thinks we’re a town of scumbags, let’s just play into the narrative. Thank you for reading my completely hypothetical and satirical take. Go Phils.