Phillies battle playoff hopes, China, and lantern flies ahead of their series with the Chicago Cubs
The war against Lantern Flies has been raging in the Northeast for a few years now. The Chinese government unleashed these heathen flies on the American population a few years ago. Since then they have attacked us with murder hornets and most recently a little thing called COVID-19. The only part of this paragraph that I can prove is the first sentence. The rest is just to open up your mind to what’s happening in the world.
No, I won’t tell you to “Google It”. Why? Because big tech and our government are basically a bunch of Chinese pawns at this point, obviously. Luckily for us, we have heroic reporters such as Matt Gelb from The Athletic to keep us updated on the Lantern Fly infestation. If you’re not familiar with Gelb, he covers the Phillies for the Athletic, and it appears that ahead of what has been deemed “The Final Stand” series against the Chicago Cubs, the Phillies are dealing with a Lantern Fly infestation in their own dugout.
Just what we needed. With the season on the line, we now have to deal with Lantern Flies in the dugout. I would recommend using a Rainbow branded flip-flop to take care of these flies. My body count has surpassed “American Sniper” numbers (shoutout Bradley Cooper) and Chris Kyle of course.
Now, there are other solutions for such a problem. A once ally of The Liberty Line, a person on Twitter named Beercan Brain, suggested weeks ago that the Phillies should arm the Phillie Fanatic with a flamethrower. Since then, Mr. Brain has turned his back on The Liberty Line. After interacting with Ryan Conway and myself on Twitter, Beercan has apparently linked up with a low-life band of thieves that pretend to run a Philly sports blog instead of The Liberty Line. I guess that’s what happens when you fail to secure valuable assets and other people swoop in and take them from under your nose (China), but I digress.
The Phillies can’t afford to lose any games, especially to the terrible baseball team that is the Chicago Cubs. Much like everything else in America, China is set on ruining any last chances of a playoff run to end a near decade long post season drought.
Kyle Gibson is on the mound for the Phillies. Tonight’s lineup is below. Luckily, there will be no lantern flies starting for the Phillies but given the fact that I had to even write that should tell you everything you need to know about their playoff chances.
Ring It and murder any lantern flies you see. Your country will thank you.