Phillies need a new broadcaster? Here are 3 options they should strongly consider
Last week, news broke that Phillies part-time radio broadcaster Kevin Frandsen found a new job as a television broadcaster with the Washington Nationals. Frandsen was generally liked in Philadelphia thanks to his sharp analysis and straightforward broadcast style. With Frandsen’s exit, the Phillies obviously need to find a replacement, specifically for away games this season.
Following the announcement, Shane Victorino floated his own name out there on Twitter, indicating that he was either interested in the position or knew some information on who would be taking over for the Phillies vacant radio position. The Phillies organization followed Victorino, by saying that they would be exploring “any and all options” available.
Victorino would be the easy option and sure, fans would likely love having the Flyin’ Hawaiian in the radio booth this season. However, here at The Liberty Line, we certainly don’t like “easy” options. In fact, those options are better served being called “the cowards way out.”
Here are three better options that the Phillies should consider.
Lenny “Nails” Dykstra
Just chill out for a second and consider the following. It’s a boring Thursday afternoon and the Phillies are in Miami playing the Marlins in an empty ballpark during a “Business Person’s Special”. You’re driving home listening to the Phillies get embarrassed by the Marlins, a team they can never seem to beat on the road and suddenly, a loud “hooting” sound takes over the airwaves.
Scott Franzke’s voice shakily announces: “We have a bit of a technical difficulty here…”
Lenny Dykstra is the ultimate wild card. To me he’s the only real choice to replace Frandsen. He’s the kind of guy that is capable of literally anything. I can imagine him taking the broadcast booth hostage to locate a missing hot dog he thinks someone stole. He’d be able to regale us all with stories of getting his teeth broken out in prison. Could you imagine the literal fights he and Larry Anderson would get into?
If I’m being honest the quality of this article is about to drop off significantly because I’m going to spend the rest of my day dreaming how awesome it would be to have him in that booth. Think about it, we might be able to see a fist fight between the Mets and Phillies broadcast teams if we bring him on board.
Look folks, we all know he’s not really running the show. He can afford to take a few days off to hang out in the broadcast booth and talk about old times and baseball. I’m sure he’d love it. Being President seems like it sucks anyways. Politics are played out. Would you rather spend your golden years arguing with Putin about why he shouldn’t steal a country, or arguing on the radio about when someone should or shouldn’t steal a base?
The choice is clear.
Joe Biden has brought BGE (Big Grampa Energy) to the White House this past year. I feel confident he could do the same for the Phillies radio broadcast booth. BGE has been sorely lacking ever since Harry Kalas died back in 09.
The future is now. The Phillies have roughly a century’s worth of radio archives to upload into a cloud AI to create a composite radio broadcaster.
Of course the risk you run is the same as with any robot: What happens when it decides to kill us?
Well this would be a Phillies robot, so I feel comfortable in the knowledge that it will be far too incompetent to kill anyone. Although any being with advanced intelligence that’s forced to watch Joe Girardi manage may just self-destruct.
Of course there is always the possibility that the Robo-Commenter 5000 would become terrible by osmosis. It would be foolhardy to assume that years of radio broadcasts about the Phillies would lead to anything other than a sputtering incompetent wretch. I know what you’re thinking, didn’t we already list Joe Biden as an option? (Just kidding I don’t care about politics, it’s for losers.)
I feel like out of those three options, the Phillies have a guaranteed winner.
Do it Phillies. Hire Lenny Dykstra, you cowards.
Mandatory Credit: Doug Mills/AP