Russell Wilson literally plugs himself into a power outlet after football games, joining Justin Herbert as the two NFL quarterbacks that are confirmed robots
Russell Wilson is a total weirdo. If you didn’t know that by now, you haven’t been paying attention. Luckily, the folks over at The Athletic caught up with Wilson following last night’s loss to the Seattle Seahawks.
The Athletic published an article following the Broncos complete choke job in last night’s Monday Night Football game against Geno Smith and the Seattle Seahawks. Here’s the excerpt for those who can’t afford to pay the few bucks a month to subscribe to The Athletic. You’re welcome.
Okay so obviously, after reading that blurb from Russell Wilson, there’s a shit ton of nonsense to unpack here. I’m not really sure exactly what’s happening. The first thing that comes out of Wilson’s mouth is the following:
“I’m just excited to be partnering with LifeLectric to improve human performance in a way that’s never been done before”
Russell then continues to point to an electric cable that was attached to what appeared to be a 3-prong input just about his right hip.
“Through a minimally invasive procedure my body can now accept 110v currents, and allow electric stimulation of my nerves and muscles to commence at a more efficient rate than ever before.”
Aight. What the fuck is this dude talking about?
Honestly, that doesn’t even sound like something any type of human would actually say, let alone after losing your homecoming game thanks to your dumb head coach failing to call a timeout, wasting 40 seconds off the clock, and settling for a 64-yard field goal that was OBVIOUSLY MISSED.
The only conclusion is that Russell Wilson is literally a robot.
And no, you can’t even call me crazy. The article states that there was a 3-prog input just above his hip. He literally plugs himself in. I don’t want to hear one word about this article being satire or that there’s no way I actually believe this.
Not satire. Truth aka a little thing called Journalism.
As if things couldn’t get more bizarre, The Athletic reporter apparently shakes it off and simply writes the following…
“Yes, Russell Wilson has figured out a way to plug himself in.”
I’m sorry, what? That seems awfully casual coming from a reporter who witnessed an athlete plugging himself in after a football game and giving some statement that you would you typically get from asking Siri or Google Home a standard question.
Side Note: The Athletic is owned by The New York Times so honestly, what did we really expect?
Wilson closes his statement by saying…
“People will laugh and thats fine. They laughed at Jesus too.”
Who laughed at Jesus? Last time I checked, they beat the living hell out of him and nailed his ass to a cross. Were they laughing at him while they did that? Maybe. I never took time to find out. Regardless, it’s just another weird remark after a string of weird remarks and again, no one seems to bat an eye.
Look Wilson has always been a total weirdo. Everyone knows that.
Honestly, I didn’t expect him to be plugging himself in after football games. I was barely coming to terms with the fact that Los Angeles Chargers quarterback Justin Herbert was caught on camera saying “Let’s Go Team” and then taking the field and making some of the most unbelievable throws I have ever seen a human make.
Justin Herbert: Let’s Go Team
Justin Herbert is not human, bro
I knew for sure that Herbert was already a human-cyborg, and it appears Russell Wilson is as well. For those of you who still don’t buy it, let’s be very clear about something. Anyone with half of a brain knows that the next step in human evolution is to merge with artificial intelligence and become human-cyborgs. It’s the most obvious next step ever.
The Silicon Valley elite, working with the New World Order, need to combine with artificial intelligence to form these new types of humans so they can finally reach the end of the simulation we’re all stuck in and gain ultimate power over the rest of the population.
What better way to do that than take two of the NFL’s best quarterbacks, both a future Hall of Famer and a rising star, and put them on full display for the public?
There’s not a better way to do that actually, and we’re literally witnessing it before our eyes.
Other Potential Robots in the NFL
Tom Brady: Literally don’t even need to explain this one. It’s a given.
Henry Ruggs: Sacrifice one of your human-hybrids to prove the dangers of drunk driving and promote self-driving cars.
DeShaun Watson: Sexual predator hybrid sacrifice to prove that sex in the Metaverse is safer than getting a casual massage and having some psychopath whip his dick out and assault you.
Michael Irvin: There’s no possible way someone could do that much cocaine and just be all human.
Honestly, those are just the easy four that I could name off the top of my head. There are probably hundreds of others out there but I figured I’d stop before someone gets their feelings hurt that I mentioned Ruggs and Watson in the same article while using a fake quote from Russell Wilson and the Athletic that was tweeted out by demented, yet beautiful minds over at Pardon My Take.
Relax. It’s a joke.