Cocaine Bear is already my front runner for movie of the year based on the movie poster alone
A new movie poster dropped online and has gone viral due to the title, Cocaine Bear.
Cocaine Bear Movie Poster
Cocaine Bear – Don’t Coke The Bear
Amazing. Coincidentally, “Don’t Coke The Bear” is also what I tell my friends when they try to give our one boy the bag when we’re out at the bar.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie title and simple image create so much buzz online before. To say the least, I’m impressed.
After doing a little digging, it looks like Cocaine Bear is based on a true story.
In a plot that is both hilarious and tragic, the movie is based on a 1985 man named Andrew C. Thornton, who was a narcotics officer turned drug smuggler. Thornton dropped a package of cocaine out of an airplane that he was piloting because there was too much weight to fly.
A Kentucky woods black bear then stumbled upon the duffle bag of cocaine and decided to eat the entire supply of cocaine, then overdosed and died.
The Cocaine Bear is now on display for visitors to take pictures with but even that was a process. It was initially gifted to the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area, then moved to storage to protect it from wildfires. From there, the bear disappeared and ended up in a pawn shop, only to be bought by country singer Waylon Jennings. Eventually the Cocaine Bear made it back to the Fun Mall, where it still resides today.
Like I said, hilarious and tragic.
In an unusual coda, that wasn’t the last mystery Cocaine Bear would be involved in. The chief medical examiner at the GSCL thought it a shame to waste the bear, and had a friend taxidermy it. Initially, they gifted the bear to the Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area. However, when the bear was moved to storage to protect it from the threat of wildfires, it disappeared. It eventually turned up in a pawn shop, from which country singer Waylon Jennings bought it. Cocaine Bear’s earthly remains eventually made their way to the Fun Mall, where they reside to this day. – Source
It’s always animals and the feds who find random goodies in the woods and ocean
Also, why is it always animals or DEA officers finding the best packages in the woods or floating in the ocean and never a bunch of common folk like us?
On second thought, after writing that out, I think it’s pretty clear why we don’t hear regular people finding random duffle bags in the woods. Carry on.
Ray Liotta’s Final Movie (Again)
The movie will also feature Ray Liotta “in his final performance” which apparently keeps happening because I feel like every few months Hollywood tells us the exact same thing and yet, we have another movie.
I really do hope this is the last movie for Ray. Nothing could ever compare to a final sendoff when you’re in a movie with a bear hopped up on cocaine in the middle of the woods.
Cocaine Bear better not be an anti-drug film
I’m sure the only “true story” part of this movie is the bear eating a bunch of cocaine. From there, it will probably be focused on this bear going absolutely crazy and eating a bunch of people who are trying to get the bag back, right?
Let’s just hope they don’t turn the entire thing into an anti-drug infomercial. That’s the last thing this country needs, even more so after all the hype around the initial movie poster.
How will the bear handle the inevitable cocaine comedown?
I am however, curious about how they will keep this bear moving after he finishes all the cocaine.
According to sources, if you decide to partake in a few key bumps of coke, you are just going to continuously want more and more until the bag is empty and then you’ll ultimately crash and feel like absolute shit for the next 24 hours.
Maybe that’s how the bear finally dies? Hopefully I didn’t spoil the movie already.
Front Runner for Best Picture
Regardless, do they still do those shows where they give movies best picture and all those other pointless awards so these creeps in Hollywood can feel good about themselves?
If so, then please, give the award to Cocaine Bear on title alone. Hell, even bring a bear on stage to accept the award. If you thought Will Smith slapping Chris Rock during that one show was good, wait until you get a bear on stage coked out and eating whatever stuck-up host is on stage.
It’s not like there’s any other original movies out there to give the award to anyways. Everything is just remake after remake or some weird superhero movie from the “Marvel Universe” that for whatever reason, people still insist on being good films.
More Cocaine Bears, Less Marvel Movies. Argue with your couch.
