The 0-7 Atlanta Braves are on pace to be the worst team in MLB history and I couldn’t be happier

I’d like to begin by extending my deepest, most sarcastic thoughts and prayers to the Atlanta Braves and their fanbase during this difficult time.

Seven games into the 2025 MLB season and your team is 0-7. No wins. Not one. Not even a fluke. Just seven straight “L’s” to open the year and an offensive approach that resembles a group of dads chasing pitches in a Sunday beer league.

Gambling Addict Shohei Ohtani of the Los Angeles Paper Tiger Dodgers:

SHOHEI OHTANI WALK-OFF HOMER ON HIS BOBBLHEAD NIGHT???

ARE. YOU. SERIOUS.

pic.twitter.com/4Z0JMUTnUv

— Blake Harris (@BlakeHHarris) April 3, 2025

Let me be clear: I’m not here to be fair. I’m not here to be objective. I’m here to enjoy every last second of this absolute meltdown.

Because let’s be honest — if the roles were reversed, Braves Twitter would be live-streaming parade footage from 1995 and photoshopping Bryce Harper into a clown suit by now. So yes, I will absolutely laugh at your pain. Loudly. Frequently. And with a cheesesteak in hand.

The Atlanta Braves Numbers Are Gross

In the last seven days, here is what has happened to the Atlanta #Braves:

0-7

14 runs scored

33 hits

.151 batting average

Shut out twice

Scored one run in a game twice

The bullpen blew three games

Their original 8th inning setup man, Hector Neris, failed and was DFA’d…

— BillShanks (@BillShanks) April 3, 2025

Atlanta has scored 14 runs total through seven games. That’s two runs per game, for those keeping track at home — a number that wouldn’t even get you out of group play in the Little League World Series.

But the real highlight? The Braves’ team batting average is .151. That’s not a typo. That’s not a temporary slump.

That’s a full-blown team-wide crisis. According to MLB historians, it’s the fourth-worst start by team batting average since 1920. Think about that. Over a century of baseball, and this Braves lineup is basically one of the worst ever assembled through a week of play.

They’re also 6-for-49 with runners in scoring position, which is apparently cause for optimism because they started 1-for-34. If your team is taking a victory lap for being slightly less awful with runners on base, you are not a serious franchise.

Atlanta Braves History Isn’t Helping

This is now the sixth time since 1901 the Braves have started 0-6, and the fourth time since moving to Atlanta. Want to know how those other seasons ended?

• 1980: 81-80 (cool, you broke even)
• 1988: Lost 106 games
• 2016: Started 0-9, lost 93 games

Not a great trend! And now with 2025 joining the club, the Braves are in the midst of a freefall that’s been so bad, it might get its own ESPN documentary.

Oh Yeah, and Your Big Signing Is Out for 80 Games

Let’s not forget the cherry on top of this beautiful disaster sundae: Jurickson Profar, Atlanta’s one meaningful offseason signing, is suspended 80 games for PEDs.

Out until basically the trade deadline. Also ineligible for the postseason. Not that it matters — no team in MLB history has made the playoffs after starting 0-7. None. Zero. Honestly, I almost respect the commitment. Like, if you’re going to implode, at least make it spectacular.

Meanwhile in Philly…

The Phillies are rolling. Zack Wheeler just racked up 25 whiffs and looked like a Cy Young front-runner. Taijuan Walker made his season debut today and delivered six shutout innings.

Kyle Schwarber’s launching baseballs into orbit. Johan Rojas is bunt-singling his way into your nightmares. The vibes are immaculate at Citizens Bank Park.

Taijuan Walker Revenge Tour: Phillies sweep the Rockies, shift focus to the Los Angeles Dodgers this weekend at The Bank

And the best part? We haven’t even played the Braves yet.

I cannot wait for the first Phillies-Braves series. I need it injected directly into my veins. I want Spencer Strider’s mustache melting under the pressure of Citizens Bank.

Enjoy your home opener, Atlanta Braves. You’re going to get booed in your own stadium, and frankly, you’ve earned it. Welcome to the basement. It’s lonely down here — but not for us. We brought fireworks. 🧨

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