Jerry Jones Forever: The eternal gift that keeps the Cowboys mediocre

The NFL season is creeping up so fast that you can practically smell it in the air. I’m not even talking about training camp buzz or the preseason, I’m talking about Jerry Jones roasting his own players while attempting to negotiate a contract extension for none other than Micah Parsons.

God bless Jerry Jones, man. Forever and always.

#Cowboys owner Jerry Jones randomly takes a shot at Micah Parsons, saying even if they sign him, it doesn’t mean they’ll have him, because he was hurt for 6 games last year (fact check: he only missed 4).

He then also says they made Dak Prescott the richest player in football —… pic.twitter.com/g6T8FnEEOX

— Ari Meirov (@MySportsUpdate) July 21, 2025

During a completely off-the-rails rant about giving Parsons a new deal, Jerry randomly decided it was the perfect time to start insulting him. I literally have no idea why that happens, but maybe that’s just what Jerry does now. He starts talking about money and accidentally drags one of his franchise cornerstones in the process.

Honestly, it’s just a beautiful mess.

I literally don’t give a shit about the Dallas Cowboys. Why would I? Here in Philadelphia, we’re focused on winning back-to-back Super Bowls. The Cowboys haven’t sniffed one in over three decades.

Still, every July, the Dallas Cowboys shockingly emerge as “Super Bowl Contenders” and every January, they unravel in front of a national audience in embarrassing fashion.

Through it all, is none other than Jerry Jones rambling about God knows what, drinking something incredibly strong, and consistently saying something detrimental about his own organization.

It’s comforting in a weird way. Like a broken clock that’s also a clown car.

Also, Micah Parsons has been begging for a way out of Dallas for years at this point. He’s obsessed with the city of Philadelphia and the Eagles and wants nothing more than a ticket out of Jerry’s World.

Comments like this from Jerry Jones will certainly influence that. Good.

The Cowboys Cycle, powered by Jerry Jones

1. Start season with hype
2. Win a bunch of meaningless games
3. National media gets suckered in (again)
4. Late-season collapse or playoff meltdown
5. Jerry blames everyone but Jerry
6. Repeat forever

We know how this ends. We always know how this ends.

“You Ever Think About Getting Hit by a Car?”

That’s a real thing Jerry said. Unprompted. While trying to make a point about… who even knows anymore. Your guess is as good as mine. When a billionaire owner starts talking like a 3 a.m. drunk uncle on FaceTime, you know we’re in for another classic Cowboys season.

Honestly, I’m going to miss the weekly passive-aggressive shots at Mike McCarthy, but maybe Jerry will pick a new target this year. Dak? CeeDee? A local beat writer? The options are endless.

Never Let Him Leave

Jerry Jones will never win another Super Bowl, and that’s exactly why we need to keep him forever. The NFL needs Jerry. He’s the chaotic glue holding together the Cowboys’ perpetual failure machine.

He’s like a billionaire Sideshow Bob, stepping on the same rake over and over again — except the rake costs $200 million and holds a press conference every Thursday.

So yeah, give Micah Parsons the bag. Call your own team soft in the same breath. Maybe insult the special teams unit next. Just keep doing Jerry things, Jerry. As long as you’re running the show, the rest of us get to laugh through another Cowboys collapse.

Football is back, baby.

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