8 reasons the Eagles own the Cowboys, in honor of Dallas Week

In honor of Dallas Week and to remind Cowboys fans of the fact that the Eagles already beat them this season, 24-20, I would like to take a moment to list a few reasons why the Philadelphia Eagles are superior to the Dallas Cowboys.

1. The Cowboys’ never-ending Super Bowl drought

The last time the Cowboys won the Super Bowl was in 1995. Ironically, I wasn’t even born yet. But when you talk to a Cowboys fan, they’ll tell you that they won five Super Bowls, but fail to mention that it has been 30 years. So in honor of their drought, here is a list of things that came to be AFTER they won:

Eminem’s debut album (1996), Tupac’s death (1996). Netflix (1997), Titanic (1997), Google (1998), The Euro (1999), Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001), Facebook (2004), Friends Finale (2004), Taylor Swift (2006), IPhone (2007), Twilight debut (2008), Michael Jackson’s death (2009), Minecraft (2011).

And they still brag about their old championships like the state-champion football players who peaked in high school. Last time I checked, the Eagles won the Super Bowl…last season…and in 2018. I’m not quite sure who these morons think they’re talking to.

2. They’re no longer America’s team, a name they gave themselves, by the way

Cowboys fans love calling themselves “America’s team.” Yet they might possibly be the furthest thing from it. I’ve never heard anyone say: “I root for Dallas second,” or “I really hope the Cowboys win this one,” or even, “They seem like a great organization.”

I genuinely believe the Cowboys might be one of the most disliked teams in the NFL, yet their fans are so delusional that they think America roots for them. You can’t call yourself “America’s Team” when America hasn’t witnessed you make the NFC Championship since 1996.

At least the people who hate Eagles fans do it because we’ve been the class of the NFC for a quarter century. Cowboys fans get hate because they’re delusional and are led by a senile oil baron named Jerry Jones.

3. Their mottos are embarrassing

“How ‘Bout Them Cowboys!” is apparently their most popular one. I don’t know, how ‘bout them Cowboys with their losing record? A weird way to celebrate mediocracy.

Another popular one amongst the team is “Carpe Omnia,” which means “Seize Everything,” and a phrase I learned in ninth-grade Latin class. Seize what? Third place?

Meanwhile, Philadelphia, a city with real culture, has: “Go Birds!” and “E-A-G-L-E-S.” That’s all we need to get our point across.

4. Their drama is more entertaining than their football games

You will always find the Cowboys’ headline in the media because they are a ratings goldmine, not for football but for drama. Their on-field success hasn’t matched their coverage, and they remain a perpetual media circus.

Recent episodes include: Jerry Jones’ refusal to speak to Micah Parsons’ agent and Parsons literally sleeping on the bench during his holdout. Jones delayed Dak’s extension until the week of their season opener. CeeDee Lamb is yelling on the sideline. The annual “This is our year!” collapse. And that’s just off the top of my head.

The Cowboys are much more of a reality television show than an actual football team. I think we can all agree on that.

5. Why are they paying Dak so much? (No, like, seriously)

Dallas is paying Dak Prescott $160 million for four years, which makes him the highest-paid quarterback in the NFL. All that money just for a 2-5 career playoff record? Is that not insane to anyone else?

Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts doesn’t even crack the top ten in highest-paid quarterbacks and
is 5-3 in the playoffs, including a Super Bowl appearance and an MVP-caliber season. I would rather have a quarterback who can win me games when it actually counts.

6. The overpriced stadium

While A&T Stadium is a great venue for events, the Cowboys have yet to host an NFC
championship appearance in it. The 1.3 billion dollar stadium (one of the most expensive
stadiums ever built) consists of one of the largest video boards in the world (660,000 lbs) and is one of the largest NFL stadiums with a capacity of 100,000. Too bad this still can’t buy Dallas a playoff win.

Instead, it hosted zero NFC Championship games, and Cowboys fans watched more playoff losses here than wins. Not to mention the sun literally blinding CeeDee Lamb when he was wide open in the endzone, when the Eagles romped them 34-6 in 2024 (which obviously wouldn’t change this horrendous outcome).

Jerry Jones responded, “Well, let’s tear the damn stadium down and build another one. Are you kidding me?” Maybe start with blinds, Jerry. You might finally get some ROI.

7. Dramatic losses

For fun, let’s run through ways the Cowboys have figured out to lose games:

In the 2022 Divisional, Zeke Elliot plays center for the final play to immediately get bulldozed. In the 2021 Wildcard Playoff game, they were tied for the franchise record of most penalties with 14, and ran a failed QB draw with 14 seconds (time ran out before they spiked the ball). In the 2007 Divisional Round, the No. 1-seed Cowboys lost at home with the final drive ending in a Tony Romo interception in the endzone.

You have to hand it to them; they always find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in new and exciting ways.

8. Finally… Philly has the better fanbase

And it’s not even particularly close. I don’t even have to analyze this one.

Philly: We travel, tailgate at 4 pm, out-shout home crowds in other stadiums, stick with our team, climb poles, have Wawa, and live and die by football.

Dallas: Annually say “This is our year!” every year just to be disappointed, and turn off their televisions when they go down by more than 10.

See you all on November 23, 2025, at 4:25 pm on FOX.

Go Birds!

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