Ben Simmons opts out of Olympics, opts into 4-month spiritual journey
Philadelphia 76ers point guard and longtime enigma Ben Simmons announced that he will be forgoing Australia’s attempt at Olympic glory in favor of skill development. Simmons has received boatloads of criticism since his embarrassing postseason performance against the Atlanta Hawks, and rightfully so. The hurtful words of the Philly faithful must have struck home, as he has come out with a seemingly renewed desire to work on his game and improve.
Now, I understand the skepticism you must be feeling. Ben Simmons has had four years to improve the offensive aspects of his game and seems to have made zero positive changes. Many want Ben to delete all social media, go Zero Dark Thirty, and lock himself in the gym, including most of us here at The Liberty Line.
However, because I am an incredible journalist with exceptional connections, I do not have to speculate about Ben’s offseason plans. I have obtained a loose approximation of Ben Simmons’ itinerary for the next few months. Just posting a photo of it would be lazy journalism, so let me take you through what Simmo will be getting up to.
Ben will spend a couple of weeks or so in Cali decompressing after an objectively horrendous series against the Atlanta Hawks. However, once that LA vibe sesh is over, it’s down to business for the Amazing(ly Bad) Aussie.
Taking a cue from other formerly disgraced athletes, combatants, and the Beatles for some reason, Ben Simmons will take a trip to the Himalayas to seek an audience with a monk rumored to be two centuries old.
If Ben’s journey through the treacherous mountains of Nepal is successful, the monk will work with him on all things mental. Meditation sessions, traditional fasting practices, and mind over matter exercises will fill his days. If Ben Simmons can walk over hot coals, he can certainly make a free throw.
In the unfortunate event that the mountain trail claims Ben’s life like it has so many others, cap space will open up for the Sixers immediately, per NBA rules. Something to consider.
Isolation in the Outback
After clearing his mind in the thin but clean air of the Nepalese Himalayas, Ben will return to his native land of Australia. However, there will be no media event or photoshoot. He will arrive under cover of nightfall and make a beeline for the Australian outback.
Once he arrives in the bush, Ben Simmons will spend about two weeks living in isolation (the exact timeframe has yet to be confirmed by my source that definitely exists).
His time in the outback will be characterized by hunting and subsisting on his surroundings. He’ll be equipped with nothing but a basketball and a wallet-sized photo of Kendall Jenner as survival tools.
This form of training will increase his aggressiveness and killer instinct. It should be a particularly effective form of mental and physical preparation. I do not know how many of you have bludgeoned a wombat to death with a basketball then butchered it with a photo of the woman you once loved, but that has got to toughen you up mentally. If he and his countrymen must die for the Sixers to win a championship, I’m fine with it.
Throw in some classic crocodile wrestling and emu farming, and Ben should be ready to attack the rim at all costs in the NBA’s 2021/2022 season.
Simmons’ North Korea Vacation
After his time in Australia comes to a close, a wombat blood-soaked Ben Simmons will journey North.
Ideally, the previous two trips should have increased his mental fortitude and instilled a previously unseen grittiness in his game. If that is true, where better to test it out than the Pyongyang Athletic Center & Nuclear Testing Site?
Many have compared Ben Simmons’ game to Dennis Rodman’s due to the defensive prowess of his game and athletic. However, as my co-host Brother Sam likes to say, “he doesn’t have the grit.”
Having Ben Simmons work with “The Worm” himself under the watchful eye of Kim Jong Un will do wonders for his game. The North Korean dictator will have his nuclear “arsenal” pointed at Ben’s native Australia as he shoots his practice free throws. Combine that with a packed house full of North Korean basketball fanatics that definitely want to be there, and you’ve got a legitimate playoff atmosphere on your hands.
Work with a shooting coach
I guess Ben Simmons might switch his shooting hand, but we’ve been asking for that for four years. I’ll believe it when I see it. Ideally, he won’t need to after the trial by fire his off-season will be.
Ideally, we’ll see a new and improved Ben Simmons completes all of these challenges. Clock is ticking, Ben.
Mandatory Credit: Philly Voice