Is Jonathan Gannon too skinny to be effective as a Defensive Coordinator?
This isn’t going to be an easy conversation. But it’s one we need to have. All of us. Every Eagles fan has to wake up and admit something very difficult. That’s right. We’re having the big discussion and one you were likely hoping to avoid. Well we can’t avoid it anymore. Thanksgiving is around the corner and you are all going to be surrounded by your families and friends. The topic is going to come up right after you get done discussing politics and vaccine mandates with your drunk uncle.
Your other uncle will ask if anybody thinks the Eagles can make a playoff run this year. He’ll be half joking, but also half serious. Then that drunk uncle, will pivot perfectly from the price of gas to “They can’t make the playoffs. Their defensive coordinator is too damn skinny.”
A plate of yams will drop with a thud and a hushed silence will fall over the dining room. You’ll all look around. Too ashamed to make eye contact with each other. Ashamed because you know deep down, your rude uncle is right. Jonathan Gannon is just too skinny. We’re better off being honest with ourselves right now and getting out ahead of this.
Historically, there have only been two types of great defensive coaches in Eagles history.
Grizzled, like Jim Johnson.
Or rotund, like Buddy Ryan.
Jonathan Gannon is far too young to be grizzled. I don’t even think he smokes cigars. His only real option is to start gaining weight immediately. This shouldn’t be hard. Philadelphia is one of the greatest culinary centers in the world.
Now some of you may be skeptics. You might be asking what his waistline has to do with the win column. The answer is everything. Defense is all about intimidation. There’s nothing intimidating about a guy that looks like he does cardio. You’re more likely to ask him what he’s running from than what he benches. Now just imagine yourself as a defensive lineman, and someone that lean starts trying to tell you how to do your job. You’d be too busy laughing to pay attention.
Let’s say you don’t buy into the intimidation factor. Have you considered how much harder a team is likely to play if they are worried their coach is going to die of a massive heart attack at any moment? Having a morbidly obese coach is like having a nine year old Great Dane. You know his days are numbered and you just want to keep him happy and not stress him out.
With all of this in mind I’ve taken it upon myself to digitally add the pounds to Coach Gannon. This way we can better visualize what he would look like, stomping around the sidelines.
Just look at that man and tell me Darius Slay wouldn’t have another five interceptions this year playing for him. You can’t tell me otherwise, and even if you did, I just wouldn’t listen.
The final point I’ll make is that this is something the people clearly want. Thursday afternoon, I conducted a very scientific twitter poll asking Eagles fans directly if they would feel better if Jonathan Gannon put on some weight. As of this writing the results are overwhelmingly in favor of having him eat some more carbs. A nearly two/thirds majority to be inexact. Meaning we can override any filibuster attempts by concerned doctors or family members of the coach.
We need to start a coordinated effort to get him to eat more. I’m not sure how exactly we can do this, but I think we should just start off by asking him if he’s hungry if we see him in public. Maybe we can conveniently run into him whenever we have leftovers. If it comes down to it, we can break every treadmill in the practice facility. Simple steps like that may help make him balloon in size within a matter of weeks. Just in time for a late playoff push.
Who’s with me?!