Eagles Win Sparks Outbreak of Playoff Fever
Sunday afternoon marked a milestone moment in this Eagles season. For the first time in two years, we could see the community spread of Playoff Fever. This means of course, we must upgrade the status of Playoff Fever to epidemic.
Based on the Eagles’ upcoming schedule we can assume this has the chance to go full on pandemic. Just look at all of those Division games!
A few more Cowboys losses and we may be looking at Underdog Mask mandates being put in place for the final game of the season. I know a good number of you don’t like it, and think they’re cringe inducing, or worse, get in the way of drinking during the game.
As a noted Football Scientist, I can only tell you to trust the facts. The last time the marketing department of the Eagles instituted an Underdog Mask mandate, they did win a Super Bowl. If a team marketing rep asks you to wear a vulcanized rubber German Shepherd mask, they only have your best interests in heart.
Eagles Playoff Fever Symptoms Include:
- Deleting social media posts where you criticized the team.
- Texting friends to ask them if they just saw that play.
- Buying merchandise that tries too hard to give a fan favorite player a catchy nickname.
- Looking at the standings for more than five minutes at a time to figure out the path to a number 1 seed. (This also includes looking at opponents schedules and trying to do tie breaker math in your head.)
- Watching two or more fan made hype videos in a twenty four hour period.
- Feeling a deep seething rage at anybody that makes a statement about the team not being able to just waltz into the playoffs even though you can see how well they’re running the ball, I mean come on!
- Start referring to the team as “We” instead of “They.”
If you experience any of these symptoms do not seek medical attention. We have unfortunately not progressed to the point as a society where Playoff Fever is treated by medical professionals. I know from experience they won’t even give you a medical marijuana card for it no matter how often you ask. They may even call the cops on you and have you escorted out of their office.
If you have Playoff Fever you just have to let it run its course. I always recommend lots of bed rest, light beer (to stay hydrated), and trying to avoid contact with fans of rival teams. For instance, this week there is no good that can come from talking to a Giants fan while you are at your most contagious. Worst case scenario, they catch playoff fever from you and get their hearts ripped out when Danny Dimes turns in two wooden nickels. No, it’s best to isolate amongst other fans of your team.
For those of you looking to avoid Playoff Fever, here are some steps you can take. Avoid group settings while watching games. Do not consume more than three alcoholic beverages on game day. Research has shown the more inebriated you are, the more susceptible you are to Playoff Fever. It is also recommended you avoid eye contact with fellow fans. Even a simple “Go Birds!” between two strangers passing each other on the street can be enough to catch it.
Honestly just lock yourself in a windowless room if you want to avoid Playoff Fever at this point. Turn off your phone and hide under the bed. You saw that game right? Jalen Hurts put guys on roller skates.
The offensive line served so many pancakes I thought they’d applied to be an IHOP franchise. Sure things got dicey in the fourth quarter for a few minutes, but the game was never really in doubt. Oh and by the way did you see the Cowboys lost?
Strap yourselves in. We’re going to the playoffs!