I would like to officially charge Jalen Reagor with one count of Attempted Murder of Eagles Playoff Dreams, two counts of assault and butterfingers, and a final charge of $23.99 to cover the cost of the case of beer I had to drink to forget that last drive. I take no joy in doing this. But I also took no joy in watching all of Jalen’s training and muscle memory fail him at the most crucial moment of the season. So let’s call it a wash.

I’m not really interested in breaking down what exactly went wrong with the game. (Everything.) I’m also not going to pretend like I know how to read game tape and break down exactly where Reagor was temporarily paralyzed by what I can only assume was a mischievous alien that hates the city of Philadelphia.

If you want to see the two plays at the end of the game, just click the play button on this video.

Honestly I’m not really interested in even thinking about this game at all so that’s all you’ll get from me. I am however very interested in blaming everything that has gone wrong this year on one person. So thankfully Jalen Reagor stepped up today to fill that role.

First Round Flop

Did you guys know that Jalen Reagor is making $3,317,669 this year? Now before you get mad, you should know he earned that money fair and square. I just don’t know how. I like to imagine he broke into Howie Roseman’s office in the middle of the night and switched the dvd case with his game footage with the dvd case of Justin Jefferson’s highlights. Either way he’s making more money than you are, so good for him.

Did you know with Jalen’s annual salary he can afford to purchase up to 27,658 official NFL game balls to practice catching in his spare time? Just putting that out there in case he ever googles himself and finds this page. Might be a cool idea to hire an assistant to just randomly chuck balls at you throughout the day. I don’t know. I guess I’m reaching here. (Something Jalen failed to do in the game.)

He could also purchase the world’s largest tub of Spider Tack. I don’t know if it’s illegal or not to coat your entire body in that stuff, but I fully recommend he give it a try. When it comes to potentially cheating, my philosophy has always been “Bill Belichick probably already does it, so just see if you can get away with it too.”

The popular thing to do right now is to compare Reagor to other wide receivers. Particularly Justin Jefferson and Nelson Agholor. This is ghoulish and craven. No Eagles fan should subject themselves to the torture of imagining Justin Jefferson in midnight green.

The reality is you don’t have to just get hung up on the historically good receiver taken immediately after him. You can think about how the Eagles very easily could have packaged their 2nd round pick in 2020 (the one that became Jalen Hurts) to move up and grab CeeDee Lamb. Imagine that alternate reality for a second. Maybe Wentz still wants out because he killed all the good ducks in South Jersey? Maybe not. We’ll never know.

As far as the Agholor comparison goes, it begins and ends with the fact that both of them have last names that end in “or.” That’s enough for me to say they never should have been drafted in the first place. You need a receiver’s last name to end with strong letters. Letters like “an” or “ce” this is proven football science. I accept no arguments.

Anyway, if any of you happen to see Jalen Reagor please let him know that he has been formally charged. He should turn himself in to The Liberty Line’s offices for processing. Or at least to drop off the beer money he owes me.