I’d like to be clear for legal reasons, that everything I’m about to say is pure speculation. I’ll even go a step further and say that this article is funny and call it “satire.”

Tom Brady has become a bit of a cult like figure these days but since I’m a legitimate journalist, I’m going to ask the question that apparently everyone is afraid to ask the GOAT.

Is Tom Brady taking steroids?

This is beyond ridiculous. Are we seriously pretending Tom Brady has been able to play football at this age because he does “pliability” exercises?

It has been heavily reported that Brady only uses “resistance band training” with “flexibility training” which includes foam rolling and deep massages. Brady also only eats organic, local, plant-based foods with a heavy dose of multivitamins.

Again, are we really supposed to believe that’s all it takes a guy approaching his mid-40’s to play professional football at an elite level? 

Nope. Not buying it. 

Did you know who was President when Tom Brady was born? Jimmy Carter. He’s so old they didn’t even have the concept of the internet when he was born. He’s literally from several historical eras ago.

If you want to be naive, that’s just fine and dandy. But don’t expect me to get on the sucker train with you. Some of you kids reading this site are too young to remember the early 00’s. Well I was there for it. Let me tell you something: If somebody is doing something that seems impossible and amazing, they’re usually using drugs.

• Big Mac and Sosa: Drugs.
• Barry Bonds: Drugs.
• Roger Clemens: Drugs.
• Lance Armstrong: Drugs.

Lance Armstrong is probably the closest parallel to Brady I can think of. Usually when we picture doping in sports, it’s for a guy trying to become the size of the incredible Hulk. Lance Armstrong turned that on its head. This was a skinny guy. He used doping to increase recovery time and endurance. Sound familiar?

I’m not saying that Tom Brady is definitely using “gear” as it’s called by that one guy on YouTube. What I am doing is asking an uncomfortable question and one that very few people in the sports media world are brave enough to ask (outside of Dan Le Batard anyway). How can we turn a blind eye when we know that Brady’s personal trainer/witch doctor Alex Guerrero has had players get dinged for it in the past.

With that in mind: What’s the solution?

As you all know, Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be playing the Eagles this Sunday at 1 PM. In order to make sure the game is pure, and there is no funny business I’m hereby requesting Tom Brady let me personally draw no less than two liters of blood one hour before kick off.

If he refuses this offer we’ll be forced to consider it an admission of guilt. All previous titles will revert to the teams he defeated in the playoffs. Assuming he doesn’t comply, that means the Philadelphia Eagles can add another Super Bowl to the trophy case. Rules are rules, Tom.

I’m willing to accept first class accommodations for the trip down to Tampa. I already have several local sights of interest I’d like to investigate in my spare time. I am willing to bring my own two liter soda bottle for the blood draw if needed.

The ball is in your court Mr. Brady. As you famously like to yell: Let’s go!

Brett Duke/Associated Press