Ben Simmons career with the Sixers could still be saved with 1 magic ingredient
With the NBA Trade Deadline approaching on February 10th, there has been quite a bit of trade buzz surrounding none other than Ben Simmons. Still, it seems to hold true that Daryl Morey and the 76ers front office won’t budge on giving up Simmons for anything less than equal or greater value in return.
As we inch closer to the deadline, pressure will continue to mount on Morey and the Sixers to move Simmons out of Philadelphia. This will only get more difficult as Embiid continues to destroy anyone in his path. Last night, Embiid dropped 50 on the Orlando Magic in just 27 minutes of action, and left us all begging to get this guy some more help over the next three weeks.
This might sound insane, and you know what, maybe it is, but you really can’t blame me for thinking that this is the next move that needs to be done.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We have gone through nine months of misery with the Ben Simmons soap opera and we are running out of options, so here’s what I am proposing to do now.
The Sixers medical staff should consider giving Ben Simmons cocaine.
If you haven’t angrily closed this browser window yet, allow me to thank you profusely. Believe it or not, there is a valid medical reason why giving Ben Simmons cocaine is perfectly safe and makes total sense.
Let’s tackle how the Victorian Wonder Drug can help Ben Simmons overcome his issues. In particular, his anxiety. It was no secret that last year during the playoffs Ben Simmons became apprehensive on offense. There’s a very famous photograph from game seven of the Atlanta Hawks series you may have seen that sums up the Ben Simmons playoff experience last year perfectly.
As we all know by now, Ben Simmons was terrified of looking bad at the free throw line throughout the playoffs last year. In return, that led him to be even more terrified of looking bad while attempting to score on the basketball court. The entire thing was truly a vicious cycle to witness and I wish that type of pain on no one.
At this point, you have to consider giving Ben Simmons a little dose of fairy dust to help him spread his wings and fly. I know it seems like a dramatic leap to take but if you’re still reading this then obviously you’re ready to consider the option, so we’ll keep going.
According to the fine folks at The Recovery Village:
“Cocaine is a stimulant that increases brain activity and produces certain chemicals that can improve a person’s self-esteem and energy level. People under the effects of cocaine are often more comfortable interacting with other people and less worried about how they are perceived. While these effects are temporary, they can provide short-term relief from specific anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety or generalized anxiety.”Via The Recovery Village
Sounds like we just fixed Ben Simmons’ playoff woes doesn’t it? You don’t have time to worry about how foolish you’ll look at the free throw line when you just tickled your sinuses with some nose candy. Simmons will be so amped up and can forget about all of his trade requests and how poorly Rich Paul and Klutch Sports have handled the past nine months by ripping a few key bumps in the locker room before game time.
Now this will have long term deleterious effects and can in fact increase anxiety long term. However Joel Embiid’s prime will probably end before Ben Simmons can do too much damage to himself and who knows, maybe we’ll even get an NBA Championship out of it in the process (pun intended).
Can you imagine how great Ben Simmons could be?
We are talking about completely changing Ben Simmons from a quiet introverted child to an absolute madman. It’s a huge transformation and something that he desperately needs if he wants to live up to being the next “heir to the thrown.”
Ben Simmons running the 76ers offense with total abandon and completely numb physically and mentally to avoid any type of pressure in the moment is an absolute dream. Just think if Simmons would actually use his god gifted talents, mixed with coke, on the basketball court. He would be shooting jump shots and slinging no look passes, commanding the 76ers offense absolutely fearless.
This new habit could wind up helping Ben Simmons make some extra cash as well
Just think of the business opportunities. Simmons could become an activist for cocaine legalization. If things turn bad, he could be a drug recovery figurehead and open up his own recovery centers from here to Sydney, Australia.
As he’s ripping lines and winning NBA Championships, he could open up a nightclub. I’m already working on a concept for him called “Crocodile Dungarees” where all the staff at the club speak in Australian accents and wear dungarees. The music playlist consists of Men at Work’s 1981 hit “Down Under” remixed by all of the hottest DJ’s in the city of Philadelphia. (Shout out the Armentani Bros).
Again, an idea like this will only work if Simmons actually agrees to rip some lines.
So here’s my task I’m giving to any Liberty Linemen out there that are going to the Sixers game this Friday
Editor’s note: This was all very illegal and had to be deleted. Also we’ve asked BeercanBrain to stop using the term “Liberty Linemen” to describe our readers. Although Liberty Lineman can be taken as a sports reference using The Liberty Line and the lineman position in football, given the context of this article and talking about coke and ripping lines, (in written form) we do not condone the use of drugs, unless it’s Ben Simmons and he will be the one doing them while returning to the 76ers to win multiple NBA Finals. Furthermore, since there are a lot of people out there who at times, fail to recognize satire, this article might fall into that category.
Just like that, you should have him completely hooked. Nature should take care of the rest! Now feel free to listen to this song and pray that we have a resolution to the Ben Simmons soap opera, one way or another.
Mandatory Credit: Slocum/ AP Photo