Out of all ways the human civilization could come to an end in 2022, this was definitely something I didn’t include in my top five. The obvious choices stem from COVID-19, cLiMaTe ChAnGe, Joe Biden accidentally hitting the nuclear codes, China finally deciding to take over the world, and Russia dropping a nuke on America because Vladimir Putin is an absolute psychopath.

All those seemed pretty real options to call it a day on the human race but now we finally have our answer on how this world filled with pain and misery will come to an end.

Danville Monkeys

According to reports, a trailer carrying 100 monkeys collided with a dump truck this afternoon off I-80 near Danville, PA. I’ve actually been to Danville, PA (shoutout the Hartman family) and I’ve already taken the precautionary steps in notifying them to get out while they still can and to not befriend the monkeys like James Franco did in Planet of the Apes.

You’re probably wondering what the hell a trailer filled with 100 monkeys was doing in Danville, PA and trust me, I’m wondering the exact same thing.

Crystal asked the same in the comments under the tweet. Smart move. Immediately following, she got ratio’d by a no-profile-picture Twitter account saying “Monkeys can’t drive” when in fact, they can drive, and there’s is 99.9% chance that’s a CIA Agent spreading misinformation on Twitter (again).

Regardless of social media, it looks like four of these monkeys are still on the loose. Four out of 100 really doesn’t seem like a big deal, until you realize that Planet of the Apes started with what, one monkey that was good for the first movies and then turned bad at the end?

Point being, these types of situations never go well on the big screen and now, we’re left in a Harambe situation where you have the PA Game Commission hunting down four terrified monkeys that are quite possibly speaking and planning their takeover of planet Earth. Even if we aren’t in a takeover situation monkeys carry all types of diseases and you know the politicians in Harrisburg are itching for another reason to lock everyone down again. There’s nothing good to come from this.

Monkey Diseases

• Viral hemorrhagic fevers, such as Ebola virus disease,
• B virus,
• monkeypox,
• gastrointestinal diseases (salmonellosis, shigellosis, campylobacteriosis),
• yellow fever,
• simian immunodeficiency virus,
• tuberculosis, and.
• other diseases not yet known or identified.

If you’re still reading at this point and are planning on going back on Twitter or commenting below on the way I wrote out cLiMaTe ChAnGe please don’t. You know as much about climate change as I do and neither of us are scientists so save it. You’re probably the same people that got mad at me when I wrote Insurrection Day January 6th when talking about Ben Simmons trades earlier this week.

Get over it nerds. Focus on the real threat at hand with four monkeys running wild in the state of Pennsylvania while the PA Game Commission will only make things worse by attempting to hunt them down.

Hug your family and tell your loved ones how you really feel about them. This could all be over soon.