The Phillies should hire me as Team Chef if they’re smart

Ryan Conway
November 11, 2024
Phillies
0 Comments

My name is Ryan Conway, and I am officially throwing my hat in the ring for the position of Philadelphia Phillies Team Chef. Honestly, they’d be stupid not to hire me for the gig.

The Phillies posted the listing on LinkedIn, but I figured I’d submit my application in blog form:

The Phillies are looking for a team chef. Let’s cook up some wins! 🍳 pic.twitter.com/VHZRH45rEC
— On Pattison (@OnPattison) November 11, 2024

This is usually the part where I list my qualifications and explain why I’m a perfect fit for the role. So here we go.

Sure, I don’t have any “restaurant experience,” and I’ve never “fed elite athletes to optimize their performance.” But that doesn’t matter when you’ve got the requisite heart and passion for the cooking game.

I make fantastic food. And that’s me being genuinely humble about it. Don’t believe me? Fortunately for you, there’s a treasure trove of evidence across the internet.

I hosted the internet’s favorite now-defunct cooking show, Cooking Papa. I can relate to the players when it comes to dealing with life in the public eye.

Cooking Papa Ep. 1: Meatballs, Gravy, and Antipasto https://t.co/WiTchs7qV8
— The Liberty Line (@LibertyLinePHL) November 4, 2021

Let’s be very clear. If you want to win a World Series, hire me as Team Chef. It’s basic math.

Of course, my specialty is Italian cuisine. That’s what happens when your mother’s side of the family is Italian and Sicilian (they’re different) and obsessed with good food. It’s in our DNA.

But my prowess is not limited to just Italian food. My father’s side is Polish, but I also grew up with him making various Cajun dishes. Combine that with my ability to make any breakfast food known to man better than you’ve ever had it before, and I blow the competition out of the water.

The only regions I haven’t done too much with are South America and the Caribbean, but I’m a fast learner. For example, I know Juan Soto’s favorite food is pastelón de plátano maduro. If the Phillies hire me as Team Chef, I will cook that every day leading up to his free agency pitch until I’ve perfected it.

Much like our players, I have an insatiable lust for winning, almost as much as I do regarding food. Almost.

You’re missing out if you don’t feel like watching the entire episode linked above. Even so, I’ve taken a clip from a different installment where I made one of my all-time great dishes that should show you exactly the level of chef the Phillies would be dealing with.

Like I said, I know I don’t have experience running a tight operation for elite athletes, but who cares? Do you not see how juicy that chicken is?

So, Phillies brass, get in touch with me. You know where to find me.

Gear up in the TLL Shop