Bryce Harper shares his morning skin care routine with the world

On Wednesday, Bryce Harper blessed us with an absolute gem — his full-blown morning skincare routine. And I’m here to break it all down, so even you can look like an NL MVP.

Bryce Harper shares his complete skin care routine with the world:

NEW BRYCE TIKTOK :)) pic.twitter.com/ut1JlvwIfu

— rae 🃏 (@clitlord77) April 9, 2025

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It’s 2025, fellas. Men can have skincare routines too. And no, it’s not gay at all. In fact, it’s one of the most masculine things you can do.

Just ask Bryce how he hits all those dingers. You really think it’s just because he grinds day and night at his craft? No, you fucking idiot. It’s because he’s got a tried-and-true skincare routine that he sticks to every single day — even on the road.

Let’s break this thing down a bit.

Step 1: Put the eye contacts in

Obviously, this is a key component. How the hell are you supposed to see what you’re doing without contacts? Stick those suckers on your pupils and get to work — you’ve got skin to moisturize.

Step 2: Scrape the tongue

Highly overlooked step right here. Nasty tongue means nasty breath — everyone knows that. Scrape that bitch clean, then brush your teeth. And yeah, the order matters. If you flip it? Honestly, no clue if it really changes anything. I’m just following the advice of skincare connoisseur Bryce Harper.

Step 3: Apply seas salt scrub to face

Fellas, slap that sea salt scrub on your face. Open up those pores and feel the sweet, sweet release of all that disgusting bacteria oozing out of your face. Let it out, champ. Nobody wants built-up crap clogging their pores.

Step 4: Spray ‘everything spray’ on your face

Go on, spray your face with the mystery spray. What’s in it, you ask? Everything. Says so right on the bottle. That’s why you put the contacts in — to read the ingredients on the everything spray. Here’s a hint: you don’t even need to read it. It’s literally called everything spray. Pretty self-explanatory.

Step 5: Apply antioxidant mud

Poke four little dots of antioxidant mud on your face and rub it in, baby. We are not pro-oxidant here, are we? No sir, no we are not. I’ve been fully radicalized against oxidants — been planning an oxidant jihad for years now. Bryce Harper is gonna be my Commander and Chief.

Step 6: Create probiotic and electrolyte concoction

You’ve made it to the final step. Congrats. Now all you need to do is whip up a little probiotic drink with some powder. You can find it anywhere — Walmart, CVS, your mom’s kitchen. Super easy. Just pour that shit into some water, mix it up, and down the hatch.

And there you have it — Bryce Harper’s full morning skin care routine listed out for you step-by-step. Thank me later.

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