Nintendo wants us to believe that Mario and Princess Peach are just ‘good friends’
According to the Nintendo Today app, Super Mario and Princess Peach are just “good friends who help each other whenever they can” and naturally, I have a million questions about that statement.
Nintendo wants us to believe that Mario and Princess Peach are just ‘good friends’
Gotta be a lie, right?
There’s a million directions that I could go with this blog, so I’ll try to be quick and breakdown all possible scenarios as quickly as possible.
Before we get into that, I will say that Mario stomping through thousands of turtles, going underwater, and into fire pits, while traveling through one of the most comprehensive pipe systems in history, all to fight a gigantic mutant lizard, only to come out being “friends” with Princess Peach seems like the biggest waste of time, maybe ever.
Also the “help each other out whenever they can” is just ridiculous.
When has Princess Peach ever helped anyone out? Last time I checked, she spent all of her time getting captured and is eternally tormented by Bowser and his gang of heathens, only to cry for help, every single time.
That of course, is assuming any of this is actually real. I’m still under the impression that Mario and his pal Luigi were just munching a shit ton of magic mushrooms on the job and the entire Super Mario World was really one of the heaviest doses of psilocybin that two dudes have ever consumed.
Did Super Mario get friend-zoned for 40 years by Peach?
If that’s the case, then Mario just has to go by Mario now. There’s nothing super about getting friend-zoned and my god, having it happen over and over again for 40+ years makes it downright embarrassing.
Mario obviously was madly in love with Princess Peach. He literally jumped through hoops and put his life, along with his pal Luigi, in danger countless numbers of times. All of that to be friend-zoned?
Mario is out there accepting castle invites, golfing, racing, playing tennis, participating in the olympics, and god knows what else, all to make Princess Peach happy, and there’s no late-night flagpole climbing going on in the master quarters?
That seems highly unlikely and I think Mario has more respect for himself, so let’s rule out the friend-zone path immediately.
Are Mario and Luigi gay?
We’ve seen these internet debates happen before. Remember when Sesame Street had to go full Supreme Court hearing on whether Bert and Ernie were gay? People noticed that two grown men with no pants sharing a bedroom for 40 years might have been more than roommates.
I don’t know if I’m buying that either. They are too athletic to be gay but don’t take that as an insult if you’re gay. That’s just my assumption based on the amount of openly-gay people in professional sports.
Outside of Brock Purdy, LeBron James, Juan Soto, Spencer Strider, Dak Prescott, the Boston Celtics and New York Mets and Knicks, I’m not sure if there are that many athletes that are gay, right?
I’ve done a fair share of mushrooms but that hasn’t turned me gay yet. So even if Mario and Luigi, two Italian plumbers, were tripping balls off shrooms, I don’t think that would sway them to homosexuality either.
There’s absolutely no way that Mario was out there doing all this for “friendship.”
The man is Italian. There are cultural expectations. For the life of me, I just can’t figure out why Nintendo Today is trying to create a false narrative. I’m not even asking for a Nintendo-sanctioned cutscene of Mario clapping Peach’s cheeks like a Super Smash Bros taunt, but can we at least be honest about what’s going on?
The man’s been risking his life for decades. He’s earned something more than a polite wave and a slice of cake. Hell, even Luigi pulled Daisy.
Nintendo, you cowards. Just say it. Say they’re in love. Say they hooked up in the bonus level after Mario Party 7. Say Peach gave him that “extra life.” Or admit that you’re afraid of angering the same pearl-clutchers who burned their Switch consoles when Bowser had a band in The Super Mario Bros. Movie.
Until then, I’ll be over here imagining what Mario whispered in Peach’s ear after she baked him that cake in 1996. Yes, it was rated E for Everyone but that wink at the end was specifically for us grown-ups.
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What a ridiculously misogynistic AND homophobic piece of text, all that because you’re mad at the relationship status of two Mario characters.
First of all, you even asking “when has Peach ever helped anyone out” shows how little you know of the Mario franchise in general and of Peach. First of all there’s the comic books, which are old btw so you should know, and in some of those Princess Peach gets into the action and she’s pretty badass, there’s Super Mario Bros. 2 where she’s part of the adventure, there’s Super Princess Peach where SHE RESCUES MARIO AND LUIGI, there’s Paper Mario where she gets to help out and try to escape instead of just being stuck, there’s Mario RPG, there’s Super Mario 3D World where she helps save the little fairies, Princess Peach: Showtime where she’s the protagonist again, and Super Mario Bros. Wonder where not only she helps, but Daisy also helps. Then there’s the other games too like Mario + Rabbids and she’s no damnsel in distress, and in Super Smash Bros. she’ll kick your ass. Peach has been doing a lot even though Nintendo does not allow her to do much, but she’s quite a powerful character.
Now let’s address your homophobia: First of all, what are you even saying about Mario and Luigi being gay? are you really insinuating they’re a couple?? THEY ARE BROTHERS, are you crazy? And gay men can play sports just as well as any other kind of men, the main reason why you don’t see that many OPENLY queer men in sports is because… guess what?? People in sports are pretty damn homophobic, that’s scary as shit for queer men, that’s why you don’t see that many who are OPENLY queer, and that’s a key word even you mentioned, OPENLY, there are many closeted sport players and athletes.
Oh and you just had to throw in a little bit of xenophobic prejudice too at italians, right? Anyway, Peach and Mario are probably a couple and Nintendo just doesn’t wanna show it too obviously, they have official Nintendo gifs of them being animated all lovey-dovey in some japanese stickers that we don’t get to see much here in the west, they are most definitely a couple, but you don’t need to be mad and a bigot over it Nintendo not admitting it.