Micah Parsons slept on Cowboys trainers bench during final preseason game, signaling his desire to get the hell out of there

As much as I despise the Dallas Cowboys, I almost feel bad for Micah Parsons, and any player who plays for that team, at this point.

Micah Parsons, as we all know, wants a new contract. Jerry Jones, as we all know, is a senile old man who doesn’t want to negotiate with player agents. Jones thinks he can talk to Parsons directly, Parsons wants to negotiate through his agent, and here we are — less than two weeks from opening day and the Cowboys star is sleeping on the trainers bench during Dallas’ preseason finale.

Someone get Micah Parsons the hell out of Dallas

Micah Parsons was seen sleeping during the Cowboys' final preseason game 😬 pic.twitter.com/31DNYLhB3O

— Yahoo Sports (@YahooSports) August 23, 2025

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I don’t know how the Cowboys rebound from this debacle this season. You just don’t see this kind of holdout lead to success on the field. Never happens. And I can’t imagine that changes with the Cowboys this year.

While this is obviously a bad look for everyone involved, including Micah Parsons, Jerry hasn’t done himself any favors. Not only is he refusing to talk to Parsons’ agent, he’s saying it loudly for everyone to hear. The ol’ negotiate through the media tactic that hasn’t worked in 20 years. Classic stuff.

He told Stephen A. Smith that regardless of the outcome this year, Micah Parsons is under contract for three more years, insinuating that he’s not interested in trading Parsons at all.

The Art of Negotiation with Jerry Jones doesn't need these pesky player agents. They muck things up like a little boy trying to eat cookies before dinner.pic.twitter.com/WPWXZPW84Q

— UrinatingTree (@UrinatingTree) August 22, 2025

“In the spirit of not doing the old mother/dad deal, how many times have you seen The Little Rascals, so clever, go in there, and mama told him (no), ‘you’re not going to get it,’ and (?) goes in to daddy, who only sees him about five in the afternoon and wants to love him, and says ‘you can have it son, you can have that before dinner.’ He goes back in and says ‘mama, daddy said I could have it.’ So mom and dad have been around since the beginning of time. I’m not gonna go for that shit here.

That’s what’s happening… I’m not going for it. No. No. We’ve had a very very strong negotiation. By the way, frankly, it wouldn’t have made any difference what the negotiation was. Guess who has to be comfortable for this to work? There’s not room for a third. There’s not room for a third. This will be a good one.”

If this was a Kenneth Copeland impression, Jerry killed it. If it was really his idea of what good negotiations look like, he’s brain dead.

We make fun of the Cowboys year round, but rarely do we get our material served to us on a silver platter like this. We don’t even need to try anymore; the jokes write themselves.

If Jerry keeps going down this path, he’s only going to push Micah Parsons further away. He might even push him to a point where he openly comes to, say, Philadelphia to exact vengeance on those who’ve wronged him. The prophecy has been written and with each passing day, we get closer to the moment where it all comes together. Just as planned.