Zynsurrection Pt. 2: The FDA wants childproof Zyns, but maybe we should just blame bad parenting

The FDA is sticking its nose back where it doesn’t belong, this time telling nicotine pouch makers to start using childproof packaging.

Their reasoning is that poison control centers reported a 763% increase in calls for nicotine pouch ingestion among kids under six between 2020 and 2023.

First off, RIP to the two kids who tragically died. That’s awful. I still have a heart in my cold, dark, soul and there’s certainly no debating that.

Here’s my issue: Zyn cans are already hard enough to open.

They’re sealed tighter than a jar of pickles. If a toddler is somehow cracking one of those open, congratulations, you’ve got the next Houdini on your hands.

I’ve witnessed Conway try to open a Zyn can and failing miserably. Odds are, these cases aren’t kids going Navy SEAL on a Zyn lid, they’re just parents leaving their can cracked open on the coffee table.

So why punish the rest of us?

Why let the FDA run point on our tailgate essentials? We already fought off Chuck Schumer in Round 1 of the Zynsurrection, now Big Tobacco’s lobbyists are licking their chops, pushing regulators to “protect the children” while they’re really just trying to get everyone back on heaters.

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As for me, this old hound dog quit smoking about a decade ago, but I still vape 24/7. I know vape is probably bad for you. I don’t think there’s enough data out there to prove it though? It’s all just propaganda from Big Tobacco. We’ll see if I kick the can and ride off into hell a few years sooner than expected but for now, that’s my vice.

I’ll also toss in a Zyn when the vibes call for it. Plus, if my old man lights one up on the deck, I’m not turning down a cig with him either. That’s not a crime, that’s tradition, and nothing in the world hits like an Eagles tailgate heater before heading into The Linc.

All Things Eagles Gameday Here >>

At the end of the day, this isn’t about packaging. It’s about discipline. Don’t leave your stuff lying around. Parents need to parent. Don’t blame the can. Don’t blame the Zyn. And definitely don’t hand the FDA another excuse to overregulate the one thing standing between us and going back to ripping Marlboros by the carton.

Keep your hands off our Zyns. I don’t care if you’re a child, the FDA, Big Tobacco, or Lyin’ Chuck Schumer, you have to stay in your lane and leave the common man alone.

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