Substitute teacher in Vermont did so much cocaine she mistook her 8th grade student for her dog

Shoutout to the great state of Vermont. Just when you think the state’s biggest scandal is someone using too much maple syrup, a substitute teacher walks into a middle school and does so much cocaine that she mistook took her eighth grade student for her dog.

According to reports, a substitute teacher in Barre Town did so much blow that she mistook an eighth grader for her dog.

Substitute teacher in Vermont did so much cocaine she mistook her eighth grade student for her dog

A Vermont substitute teacher has been cited after allegedly being so drugged out in class that she mistook a student for her dog.

Melissa Martin, 47, is accused of bringing cocaine onto the Barre Town Middle & Elementary School campus.
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Naturally, I have a ton of questions.

First, I would like the give the substitute teach the benefit of doubt here and say that when this punk kid was following her, she was making a lighthearted joke.

If that’s not the case, then I’m not too sure that she was actually doing cocaine. I didn’t even know it was scientifically possible to get that high.

Like, what’s the jump from “energetic” to “seeing your dog in homeroom”?

What’s going on in Vermont? How much cocaine are we talking here? That’s doesn’t sound like cocaine at all. It’s more likely it was a chemistry experiment gone wrong. Either her dealer was cutting it with jet fuel or this woman hadn’t slept since the Bush administration.

The only logical explanation is she was up for three straight days, entered full-on hallucination mode, and decided to go teach a group of 13-year-olds while her brain melted which caused her eyes to deceive her.

Not to mention… when can a substitute teacher afford a cocaine habit? I know public education doesn’t pay well, but apparently it pays weirdly well. Unless this was less “Wall Street coke binge” and more “gas station mystery powder in a baggie.”

Back to the student who followed her into the hallway to check on her. What’s your deal, brother? You’re lucky that substitute teacher thought you were her dog because outside of that, the next biggest storyline here is you being the biggest narc of 2025.

Who follows the substitute teacher out of the room when she’s clearly not okay? That’s sacred time. When your sub leaves class, that’s the green light to start throwing paper airplanes, talking about Minecraft, or doing anything but learning.

The only correct response to “my teacher just left the room to rail some lines” is either “hell yeah, free period to do nothing” or “damn, I wonder if I could bust down on that too”. It’s not “let me go make sure she’s okay.” What are you, a doctor? Mind your business kid. Of course, that will come with age but there’s no denying you just ruined 45 minutes of blissful nothing for everyone else in the class.

Barre Town is sticking with the explanation that the substitute teacher was only on cocaine but last I checked, cocaine doesn’t make you nod off or mistake humans for animals.

Doesn’t sound like coke at all but maybe that’s normalized to the point where the explanation is enough to scare parents but not be that serious at the same time.

If I had to guess, Ms. Martin didn’t have a Vermont cocaine problem that day but rather a cocaine solution. Stuck on a bender, Ms. Martin got the call to substitute and couldn’t say no because obviously, she needed some cash.

We’re looking at a Wolf of Wall Street type cocktail…

“Morning Nick….”

Unfortunately, our substitute teacher in Vermont just didn’t quite make it to the bathroom fast enough to use it before her “dog” came running down the hallway.

You really have to be next-level fried to have your own students following you out of class, genuinely worried about your well-being. I can’t imagine 13-year-old me thinking “oh no, our sub might be in danger.” instead of praying she stayed gone long enough for us to get an early dismissal.

Vermont is wild, man.

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