Shocker: Beating Paraguay in the World Cup simply ain’t for everyone
Every single person who watched the USMNT dismantle Paraguay 4-1 in the World Cup opener and dismissed it by saying “it’s just Paraguay” needs to sit down, shut up, and watch the replay of four-time World Cup champions Germany getting bounced from the tournament in a penalty shootout by the same Paraguayan team that the Americans made look like a rec league squad two weeks ago.
Paraguay eliminated Germany from the 2026 World Cup in one of the most dramatic matches of the entire tournament after a 1-1 draw through 90 minutes, a disallowed German goal in extra time that is going to be debated for years, and a penalty shootout where Manuel Neuer, one of the most decorated goalkeepers in the history of the sport, couldn’t save his team from going home while Paraguay’s Orlando Gill was making saves left and right like a man possessed.
Paraguay eliminates Germany in penalties
EVERY penalty from Germany vs Paraguay in the Round of 32
“It’s just Paraguay”
That’s what the European soccer snobs and the American soccer pessimists said after the USMNT opened the World Cup with a dominant 4-1 victory that had Balogun scoring twice and the entire country believing for the first time that this team might actually be capable of something special on home soil.
The dismissal was immediate and universal because the global soccer establishment needed a way to minimize what the Americans had accomplished without giving them any credit, and the easiest path to doing that was to pretend Paraguay was a bad team that any decent nation would have handled the same way.
Turns out beating Paraguay ain’t for everyone.
Germany just found that out the hard way in Boston after dominating possession, creating chance after chance, having a goal disallowed by VAR in extra time, and then watching their players miss penalties while Paraguay’s keeper became a national hero.
The four-time World Cup champions are going home and Paraguay is advancing to play the winner of France-Sweden in the Round of 16 because the “bad team” that the USMNT beat 4-1 just produced one of the biggest upsets in World Cup history against a European powerhouse that has been playing in World Cups since before most of our grandparents were born.
The Americans put four goals past Paraguay in the opener and were never seriously threatened after Balogun’s first goal opened the scoring because the USMNT’s pressing, their transition speed, and their ability to exploit Paraguay’s defensive shape was so effective that the game was functionally over by halftime.
Pochettino’s team made Paraguay look overmatched from the opening whistle and the 4-1 scoreline actually flattered Paraguay because the Americans could have scored six or seven if they’d been more clinical with their finishing in the second half.
Germany played Paraguay on Monday and dominated possession and created chances the same way they do against every team they face because Germany’s style of play is built on controlling the ball and generating opportunities through patient buildup. The difference is that Germany couldn’t finish and Paraguay could, with Julio Enciso burying a header in the 42nd minute to give Paraguay the lead before Kai Havertz equalized in the 54th.
Germany spent the rest of regulation and extra time battering Paraguay’s goal without finding the winner, had a Jonathan Tah header disallowed by VAR for a foul on the corner kick, and then watched their penalty takers crumble under the pressure while Gill made save after save.
The USMNT scored four goals against Paraguay in 90 minutes of group-stage soccer. Germany scored one goal against Paraguay in 120 minutes of knockout soccer and then lost on penalties.
The comparison doesn’t need any additional analysis because the numbers speak for themselves and the “it’s just Paraguay” crowd has been definitively silenced by a result that proves the Americans’ opening performance was significantly more impressive than anyone outside of this country was willing to acknowledge at the time.
Germany Losing on Penalties for the First Time in World Cup History Is Historic
Germany had never lost a penalty shootout at the FIFA World Cup before Monday night, which means their record in the most pressure-packed situation in all of international football was unblemished until Paraguay’s José Canale tucked his shot under the bar while Neuer guessed the wrong way and the Paraguayans celebrated with the kind of pure joy that only comes from eliminating a four-time champion from the biggest tournament on earth.
Tah’s penalty attempt that sailed over the crossbar and into the stands after he’d already had a header disallowed earlier in extra time is going to haunt him for the rest of his career because the man had two opportunities to be the hero and failed on both of them in the span of about 30 minutes.
Havertz missing the first German penalty set the tone for the entire shootout and the momentum never shifted back to Germany because Paraguay’s players stepped up with the kind of confidence and composure that you wouldn’t expect from a team that most of the soccer world had written off as cannon fodder for the European heavyweights.
The USMNT Deserves Its Credit
The narrative after the USMNT’s 4-1 win was that Paraguay was a weak group-stage opponent who would have lost to anyone and the Americans shouldn’t read too much into the result because the real tests were coming in the knockout rounds.
That narrative was always dismissive and disrespectful to a team that had the talent and the fight to compete with anyone on their day, and Monday’s result against Germany proves that the USMNT’s dominant performance in the opener was the product of an American team that played at an elite level rather than a Paraguayan team that rolled over and died.
The USMNT made Paraguay look bad because the USMNT was that good on the night, not because Paraguay was that weak. Germany found out the hard way that Paraguay has quality players who can compete in high-pressure knockout matches and the four-time World Cup champions are sitting at home while the team the Americans beat 4-1 is advancing to face France or Sweden in the Round of 16.
We deserve our credit for that opening performance and everyone who dismissed it owes the USMNT an apology that they’ll never give because admitting the Americans are a legitimate team at this World Cup is apparently more painful for the global soccer establishment than watching Germany lose on penalties to a South American team ranked 40 spots below them.
When the USA Wins the World Cup the Beautiful Game Becomes Ours Forever
The entire world thinks we’re a joke who don’t know anything about soccer and don’t deserve to be competing at this level on the global stage, and honestly if the USMNT makes a deep run in the elimination rounds starting with Bosnia on Wednesday then the rest of the world needs to seriously consider renaming the game to soccer worldwide because the country that invented the forward pass, the slam dunk, and the home run is about to add the World Cup trophy to the collection of things Americans do better than everyone else once we decide to actually try.
“It’s just Paraguay” my ass. Tell that to Germany on their flight home.
Honestly, I don’t know much about soccer but I’m starting to think I might be the most knowledgable American soccer mind, maybe ever? Someone find Kbar and let them know that they can take their “It’s just Paraguay” comment and kiss my ass.
iTs JuSt PaRaGuAy?!?!?! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH 🦅🇺🇸🔔
Paraguay just knocked out Germany. Cape Verde held Spain to a draw. The tournament has already produced enough upsets and surprises to prove that anything can happen in knockout soccer and the USMNT sitting on home soil with the Golden Generation and 330 million people behind them is a combination that no team in the bracket should feel comfortable facing regardless of their FIFA ranking or their World Cup pedigree.
Bosnia on Wednesday. For the Cup.
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This world cup has turned into the best in recent memory. The world just needs Britain to get knocked out early as well and everyone will come together and celebrate.