It’s December and you know what that means. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of the year. The time where I phone it in and start writing lists about the past 12 months. You’re gonna love it. Frankly, it was either this or a 1000 word Odd Couple parody where I made fun of how equally bad Jalen Hurts and Gardner Minshew are at throwing the ball deep.

The joke was going to be that Jalen Hurts insists on keeping the QB room neat and tidy, whereas Gardner Minshew leaves empty Skol tins and urine bottles everywhere. At the end of the day, their inability to accurately throw the ball more than 30 yards downfield with any accuracy leads to them being best friends in spite of this difference. See aren’t you glad I’m just writing the stupid list? Without further ado…

Top 5 Philly Sports Villains 2021

5. Carson Wentz

I can feel the defenders of the Ginger King coming out of the woodwork. “He wasn’t a villain!” “We forced him out!” “We didn’t love him enough while he was here!” Boo hoo. I don’t care. The man readily admits to quitting on the team the minute he got benched against Green Bay. He literally said: “Green Bay was probably the moment that I realized this might not be it.”

Then after the only coach to ever win a Super Bowl for the Eagles got fired to appease him, he still demanded a trade. Carson Wentz was worse than a coward or a diva. He was a quitter. Now he’s out in Indianapolis looking sharp as ever. What are we doing? Fighting amongst ourselves.

4. The City of Atlanta

As a whole, Philadelphia did not fare well against teams from Atlanta this past year. First the wannabe bad boy Hawks upset the Sixers in the NBA playoffs in June. I don’t really need to recap this but just a quick rundown:

The opening game featured The Hawks running the Sixers off the court in the first half. The following games saw The Sixers blow multiple double digit leads to pull ahead in the series. John Collins literally made a shirt of himself fouling Joel Embiid.

Then we had to watch the Braves overtake the Phillies for first place in the NL East and take home the World Series trophy. Just coarse sea salt being poured into an open wound. On top of all that the Falcons seem determined to murder Philly high school football legend Matt Ryan via poor blocking.

3. WIP

Another year, another 52 weeks of manufactured outrage designed to provoke the strongest possible reactions from weak minded listeners. The station would prefer to see you all miserable. They are emotional vampires that sustain themselves on your misery. Stop listening to them immediately.

Also they refused to name me as the successor to Angelo Cataldi in the mornings. This is in spite of me sending many threatening letters to the station. I didn’t even get the courtesy of having a restraining order filed against me. Very rude.

2. Rich Paul

Without a doubt Rich Paul and his media puppets have conspired to antagonize the city of Philadelphia at every turn. Leaking how he had no interest in letting Tyrese Maxey put down roots in the city. Pretending there were organized groups waiting to boo Ben Simmons in Camden. He wouldn’t let Nerlens Noel return.

The greatest tragedy of all? He’s completely ruined Adele’s music for Sixers fans. Imagine listening to any of her breakup songs and not immediately picturing a certain 6’11” Australian.

1. Ben Simmons

There wasn’t any doubt who’d be at the top of this list. Ben Simmons is the worst type of villain. The villain you used to root for.

First he turtled in the playoffs. Then he disappeared to California to collect cars and instagram models while we were all stuck here licking our wounds. He announced he’d never play here again. He said he couldn’t play with Joel Embiid.

Then he claimed expectations for him were too high too early in his career for his game to develop. Lately he’s just been passive aggressively liking things on social media. Personally, I would never root for this guy again. Unless of course, he comes back to play for the Sixers, then I always believed in him.