Although I still despise them, this article is not a shot at the Philadelphia Parking Authority. I want to pick a fight with the Parkway Corporation and their unconstitutional “Barnacle” system.

If you have no idea what a Barnacle is at this point in your life, consider yourself lucky. You do not want to see these things ever. Any movement inside the car or to the Barnacle results in a high-pitched alarm that makes you look like you’re about to commit grand theft auto.

So here is my tale regarding this gadget forged by Satan. I had a date planned at 7:30 PM near Wayne and left my apartment at 5:15 PM to ensure that I had plenty of time and wouldn’t stress out in traffic. I arrived at the car, and lo and behold, a gigantic yellow death trap was sitting on my window. I quickly googled “The Barnacle” and came across an interesting article.

Now my brain is thinking, “Screw these guys for putting this evil on me. I have the receipts on their crap app of my payments, and I might as well give the defroster and credit card trick a try.”

Immediately after entering the car, that high-pitched Banshee alarm wailed through the night air. I panicked, left the vehicle, and dialed the number on the unit the old-fashioned way. In order to get this devil trap off, you have to contact Parkway and pay an excessive fine before they give you a passcode to unlock it.

Some high-tech stuff, if I’m being honest.

I’ll spare the details, but after 45 minutes on the phone with one of Parkway’s reps trying to resolve this issue, my blood began to simmer. He gave me the code after I paid the fine, and every time I entered it, the alarm blared, and it relocked. The befuddled service rep then had to send a manager from their office with a key to unlock the unit because they registered the wrong one. My blood is now boiling because it’s nearing 6:30, I’m pressed for time, and this is the most inconvenient way of handling this entire situation.

One more part of Parkway’s absurd policy is that I would have to return the Barnacle myself to the office from where the manager was coming. When I asked the rep if the manager could simply take it back to the place he was already heading for me, instead of me wasting more time dropping it off, their answer was, “It’s our policy for the customer’s return in-person to ensure The Barnacle suffered no damage.” What is this some Game of Thrones “Shame!” punishment to inflict on the deviants who crossed your corporation?

Once the manager showed up and unlocked the Barnacle at 6:45ish, I asked him that exact question posted above. He again stated their policy was that I had to return it without any damage. But hey buddy, you just took it off in front of me, unscathed, and are going to the exact place I need to drop it off. “What’s the deal here??” I asked him if I have to sign anything at that office, and he said, “No, you just have to drop it off.”

I let my blood pressure simmer down before Big Brain Matt came into play. I told him I spent an hour on the phone with Parkway, 30 minutes waiting for him, and was late for a date already. He called his manager and went above and beyond in vouching for me. The attendant explained that I had a flight to catch and asked if he could take the Barnacle back for me. His guy said yes, and this manager from Parkway became my hero. I even gave him a huge hug, which he did not enjoy considering he was wearing a mask.

The story doesn’t end here, but I’ll keep this brief. Once my Parkway hero removed the Barnacle, happy-go-lucky Matt gets into the car, goes to start it, and it won’t even turn over. The battery is completely dead.

My buddy comes to jump the car, and it’s as dead as a four-leg NFL parlay. Safe to say, I will not be seeing this girl ever again as we had set this up a week ago, and I totally should have seen all these series of misfortunate events beforehand and just taken an Uber. Completely my fault as my foresight should have picked up on this to warn her.

I walked defeated back to my apartment and got there at 8:15 PM, three hours down the tube of just standing out in a parking lot waiting around. The Parkway Corporation is running some kind of authoritarian regime.

They feel like they can take my driving privileges away because of THREE unpaid parking tickets, which I have the receipts to show. See you in court, Parkway Corporation…or rather customercare@parwaycorp.com.

The war is just beginning.

Mandatory Credit: Edward Reali, OU Daily