Sixers fans have been buzzing lately. The past few days have seen an increase in chatter that suggests Nets guard James Harden is open to coming to Philadelphia. Given his history with Daryl Morey in Houston and the turmoil that has engulfed the Nets this season, it’s starting to feel inevitable.

Well when you’re a Sixers fan, you know inevitable isn’t good enough.

So with that in mind, I’ve decided to do some legwork and show James Harden exactly what sights the City of Brotherly Love has in store for him.

I’m talking, of course, about our strip club scene.

It’s a known fact that James Harden loves strip clubs.

It has been argued he loves them a little bit too much. There is evidence that he actually performs worse in cities that have higher end strip clubs. Luckily, Philadelphia isn’t one of those cities.

Our strip clubs inhabit a goldilocks zone. You probably won’t be too grossed out, but you also won’t be likely to spend so much money they retire your jersey.

(That really happened to him by the way. A strip club in Houston retired his jersey.)

With that in mind, here are three locations where The Beard can go and see some “beard” without worry about his game being negatively affected.

Levels Gentlemen’s Club
835 E Allegheny Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19134
3.6 stars out of 5

The first strip club I randomly chose for James Harden, Levels Gentlemen’s Club, appears to be a bit of a mixed bag. The two gentlemen who provided five star reviews made it clear they were shown “mad love” by the ladies at Levels. They even went so far as to specifically use the term “mad love.”

Then, you scroll to the one star reviews and things start to get murky.

Charlie seems very impressed by the “chicken tendies” but unimpressed by the girls. Did they not show him “mad love” the way they showed the other two guys? We’ll never know because he doesn’t elaborate. To be fair I feel like if a strip club provides you good food you shouldn’t go online and give them a one star review. So much for the easiest way to a man’s heart being through his stomach.

Draya the Body has a more specific complaint about the safety level at Levels. She seemed miffed about security doing bag checks, but if people are getting violent, it’s probably for the best to keep out any brass knuckles.

That being said, it’s clear if James Harden goes to Levels he can expect a good mix of “mad love” and delicious chicken tendies. This will also be tempered by the constant threat of violence, and should keep him sharp.

Delilah’s
100 Spring Garden St. Philadelphia, PA 19123
2.9 stars out of 5

Every once in a while someone takes the time to write such a detailed review of a strip club you feel like you should just let their words speak for themselves. Mike Irelan takes us on just such a journey.

He’s looking for some fun with his employees in a strange new city. They find an oasis on Spring Garden Street. He really walks us through how courteous and helpful everyone is, right down to the bathroom attendant.

That part about the bathroom attendant is the thing that sticks in my mind. Some of you out there might be thinking he gave our hero some drugs or possibly a prophylactic device. I prefer to think that Mike got some buffalo sauce on his khakis and “Johnny on the Spot” helped him avoid an embarrassing stain.

On the flip side there is one common complaint about Delilah’s you find in the google reviews. There are a number of one star reviews that suggest that the ladies at Delilah’s routinely pull you into a private area and demand payment for dances.

You might be confused, as I am. It was always my assumption that strippers got paid money to dance up on you and pretend you’re interesting. Apparently there’s supposed to be a set price? Seeing as how James Harden is a strip club connoisseur this might ruffle his feathers if the above reviews are accurate and they are overcharging. All the better to keep him focused!

Plus, if James Harden finds love on Spring Garden, our campaign to rename the street “Spring Harden” is in full effect. Think about the marketing promotions we can do with Spring Harden, James Harden, and the lovely ladies from Delilah’s. The possibilities are endless.

Atlantis Gentlemen’s Club
3813 Chestnut St, Philadelphia, PA 19104
3.3 stars out of 5

When you’ve read as many strip club customer reviews as I have, you’re always happy to see former employees chime in. They provide a helpful perspective and can clue you in to any possibly sad or abusive practices. It really helps us avoid bummer material is what I’m saying. Here we have a former dancer give a five star review of her former workplace.

Then a patron helpfully explains that the college girls there currently still “know how to shake their ass off.” He helpfully adds that the buffet was good. One selling point for strip clubs in Philly has to be food quality.

On the flip side you see a lot of the same complaints that you got from Delilah’s. Guys are mad that they have to pay for lap dances or they think lap dances are too expensive. Standard strip club arguments.

But thankfully one reviewer went above and beyond. Local Guide “y2spaceace Frehley” provides the most detailed review I’ve ever seen. Warning: It is very racist towards Greek people.

The Liberty Line don’t approve or condone broad generalizations or ethnic stereotypes. But honestly I’d be doing a disservice to you all if I didn’t present the full unedited review of Atlantis Gentlemen’s Club:

So what have we shown James Harden?

There are a lot of places in Philadelphia where he can let his hair down and have some fun. But he doesn’t have to worry about having too much fun and if he does come to Philly these are just three of many options we have as far as adult entertainment venues.

There are more than a handful of girls out there hoping he comes to help put their kids through college. If he can do that while bringing the Sixers a championship, that would be incredible.

Mandatory Credit: The Oklahoman