NFL Commissioner and known lizard-person Roger Goodell committed perjury in front of Congress this week by lying about knowing *checks notes* Dave Portnoy? Of course, Barstool ran with it, and half-drunk Stoolies across the internet made a big scene demanding he is prosecuted.

Goodell denies Portnoy the first time:

First of all, if you’re surprised about this, you need to brush up on your scripture. It’s right there in black and white:

Then Roger remembered the word El Pres had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

The Gospel of John 18:13–27

The translation may be a bit off since I used the original Aramaic texts, but the general message is there.

In all seriousness, that may be the single dumbest thing to commit perjury over. Honestly, the only reason it’s even a story to me is the sheer stupidity. Goodell committing perjury barely moves the needle of newsworthiness.

People constantly lie to Congress regardless of whether or not they’re under oath. It’s damn-near an American tradition at this point, up there with apple pie and unwinnable wars.

Members of Congress lie to each other constantly. Hell, half of them are lying to themselves on a daily basis, trying to convince themselves they’re dedicated public servants and not money-grubbing wastes of space with egos larger than the districts they represent holding a nation hostage.

Sorry, got too real there.

My disdain for the current state of the legislative branch aside, who cares? If Goodell gets charged with perjury, then maybe I’ll get out of bed and put my legal analysis cap on. As General Counsel of The Liberty Line, I’m uniquely qualified to speak on such matters.

You don’t need to be a legal expert to know far more important people have lied to Congress about far more important things, and it didn’t even sniff a spot in the news cycle.

Look, Goodell makes $50 million a year. At that price, perjury is part of the job description.

It is insane that he chose knowledge of Dave Portnoy’s existence of all the things to lie about under oath. It boggles the mind, truly.

Mainstream news outlets should focus on the real injustices in this country. Soaring housing prices, record inflation, and Drew Smith’s Twitter account being suspended are all serious issues that need to be addressed by the highest offices in government.

We used to be a country. A proper country.

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