Robot Umpires appear to be coming to destroy America’s Pastime in 2024.
MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced plans to continue his quest to ruin baseball, and destroy humanity in the process. In a recent interview with ESPN, Manfred expressed a desire to replace umpires with robots as early as the 2024 season.
The Robot Umpire Era is upon us
The reason behind the change is the “success” of the Robot Umpires in the minor leagues and Manfred’s sick desire to rush through games. The Robot Umpires have decreased game times by nine minutes where they have been used in the minors.
The terrible performance of MLB umpires this year seems to almost be purposeful given Manfred’s sick zeal to switch to a robot based system. It makes sense. Nobody could be as terrible as Angel Hernandez at calling games on purpose.
Umpires throughout the league have been a whole other level of bad this year.
In the same ESPN interview, Manfred goes on at length about his desire to add pitch clocks to the game. He seems genuinely disgusted that people might enjoy a leisurely day at the ball park.
While it’s certainly true that the average game time has increased it’s likely that you can draw just as strong of a correlation between analytics and using multiple relievers causing that increase as you could the amount of time a pitcher takes scratching his balls in between pitches.
Today it’s robot umpires calling balls and strikes. Tomorrow it’s a pitching machine designed to more efficiently move the game along. We are swiftly hurtling towards a robo-fascist abyss.
Regardless of what happens, do we really trust the MLB or Rob Manfred to build an effective Robot Umpire? Joe West just retired. Are we sure they aren’t just going to put him in some kind of Darth Vader suit to torment baseball fans for the rest of time?
Let us make one thing very clear: If any Robot Umpires make their way into Citizens Bank Park, the city of Philadelphia will have no choice but to treat it the way we treat every robot. Just ask that Canadian moocher HitchBot how his trip turned out. That’s right, you can’t. We killed that monstrosity.
Mandatory Credit: Darth Vader, Starwars.com and Joe West AP Photo;