The Philadelphia Zoo welcomed two new sloth bears to their animal prison in West Philadelphia and now are asking the public to help name them.

The Zoo has presented two sets of names as options for their new sloth bear prisoners.

• Harper and Kelce
• Hall and Oates

Philadelphia Zoo Sloth Bear Cubs

I actually have a better idea.

How about we free all the animals from the Philadelphia Zoo and return these sloth bears to their native lands of India, Sri Lanka, or Nepal instead of making them prisoners in West Philadelphia? 

Real cute. The Philadelphia Zoo says the sloth bears are ‘exploring their habitat’ when really, they mean whatever box they have been stuffed in out past Fairmount Park. 

But okay sure, I’ll play along. Now that I’m all riled up about how awful Zoo’s are, let’s turn the hate over to Hall and Oates. I’m sick of having to pretend that Hall and Oates is good just because they are from Philadelphia and are Temple University Alumni.

Okay, I made that up. I definitely don’t even pretend to like them, but I feel like a lot of people do just that whenever Daryl Hall and John Oates are brought up, which should be very little if you hang around people who actually like good music. 

Test: Anyone under the age of 35, quickly name three Hall and Oates songs. 

If you can, then maybe try four. I guarantee you can’t name four.

Three you might get away with but that isn’t enough to be considered an iconic rock band.

Sorry. (Not really)

Point being, two “rock stars” from the 80s shouldn’t be considered in this conversation when you also have Bryce Harper and Jason Kelce as options. 

Looks like Kelce wants the bears to be named after him, which again, if we have to name them, then it should 100 percent be after Kelce and Harper. 

I still would like the Eagles’ offensive line to break into the zoo and free all the animals.

We’ll turn Fairmount Park in to a wild animal haven where only the strong survive.

Think about it. If we go that route, then it would rid the city of horrible pop-up beer gardens filled with stuck-up hipsters in the park this summer for good.

Again, all of these suggestions are really based-off the fact that that there is a Zoo filled with exotic animals that shouldn’t even exist in the first place.

If you don’t like my suggestions then take it up with the Zoo, it’s hardly my fault that they are imprisoning animals from all around the world that leads other people to seek alternative options while criticizing famous bands from the 80’s that really weren’t very good in the first place.

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