Troubling news coming out of Philadelphia this evening with reports that a 300-pound cannon has been stolen from Fort Mifflin.

The cannon was stolen from its spot on the wall surrounding the fort in South Philadelphia. It’s about four feet long and was sitting on top of a 14-foot tall wall so the fact that someone managed to steal it is pretty impressive. 

Fort Mifflin

To Note: It’s a working cannon. There’s a maniac out there in Philadelphia with an actual working cannon and somehow that’s not even the craziest thing that’s happened in Philadelphia over the past few weeks. 

To make matters worse, no one at Fort Mifflin even knew it was stolen and people working there thought it was just removed to undergo maintenance. Because of that, no one really has any idea when the cannon was taken and apparently there’s no video evidence of the heist happening. 

Ben Franklin would be PISSED right now

This is arguably worse than when the British took control of Philadelphia in September of 1777 after they beat Washington at the Battle of Brandywine and laid siege to Fort Mifflin and Fort Mercer. 

Now you have Fort Mifflin getting robbed blind under the cover of darkness and no one knows the whereabouts of a 300-pound cannon?

It’s the American Revolution all over again.

How do we know that there aren’t still Red Coats among us?

I’m not going to make crazy accusations just yet, I’ll leave that to Beth Beatty, the current executive director of Fort Mifflin who got a cannon stolen under her watch. 

“We’re a small nonprofit and this is sort of a sentimental cannon for us,” said Beth Beatty, the executive director of Fort Mifflin.

“It had to be removed from this box and then removed down from the top of the wall,” said Beatty. “Then it would have to be moved across the parade ground and loaded into a truck.” via 6ABC

First of all. It wasn’t a sentimental cannon for you, Beth.

No one even knew it was missing in the first place and you found out weeks later with zero evidence.

Ben Franklin is rolling over in his grave, Beth.

On top of that, maybe take it easy with the Sherlock Holmes schtick saying that the cannon was put into a truck because again, you have no idea what happened to the cannon.

With a high-artillery weapon currently in the hands of a band of thieves (possibly British), it’s beyond foolish to make those types of assumptions this early into the investigation. 

“I would suspect this was taken by someone who finds it an appealing curiosity. And maybe it’s in somebody’s yard, in somebody’s living room,” said Beatty.

Blah. Blah. Blah. I don’t know Beth, maybe someone took the cannon because they want to fire that puppy off on 4th of July into the Delaware River like a true soldier from the Continental Army? 

Ever think of that while you’re playing out your True Crime fantasy? Didn’t think so.

I mean seriously. You have Fort Mifflin employees checking Facebook to see if anyone is selling the cannon made out of cast iron to make a quick buck? 

No chance. They want to fire that cannon. Guarantee it.

Hell, I want to the fire the cannon. Everyone in the world wants to fire a cannon. 

(If you have the cannon and plan on doing this, DM me because I’m 100% in. I’ll even wear an army suit. You name it, I’m there.) 

Regardless, I gotta be honest, I don’t care about the cannon at all and Beth Beatty needs to relax a bit. I really need to know the planning behind the cannon robbery. What prompted the idea in the first place? How long was this planned before the robbery? What is the band of thieves intention with the cannon?

As far as I’m concerned, Fort Mifflin now has two options.

Either you reopen the military base and get actual soldiers in there to protect the historic monument or you turn it into a pop-up beer garden where everyone can get trashed along the Delaware River.

If we go option one and bump up military personnel then we also need to do the same at Fort Mercer and in the Navy Yard. I’m sick of all the empty ships! I want happy soldiers on deck singing old war songs in their badass white sailor outfits. I’m not sure who let Urban Outfitters and all the hipsters take control over the Navy Yard but that was clearly the wrong move.

Also, don’t even try to pin this on The Meat Man. He’s been through a lot with I-95 collapsing and already has a strong alibi regardless of what was said on the City Pigeons Podcast. 

Also, why haven’t I been invited onto the City Pigeons Podcast? Meech? Jesse? Meat Man? The guy who has a Sublime tattoo on his back? Anyone?

Regardless, I just want to fire the cannon. Fink, if you have it, meet me on the banks of the Delaware River at dusk on 4th of July. I’ll be the guy in a Continental Army uniform ready to blast some balls.

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