Lane Kiffin Scarface

Release the #LanesteinFiles: Lane Kiffin left Ole Miss with a trail of drugs, co-eds, and absurd DMs in his wake

Lane Kiffin officially left Ole Miss for LSU yesterday to a chorus of boos and a sea of middle fingers in one of the most chaotic displays of college football pageantry in recent memory. While he had rehabilitated his image over the last six years in Oxford, the SEC BurnerVerse is digging up and releasing what is colloquially known as the “Lanestein Files,” exposing the coach for pretty much everything under the sun.

Of course, there’s what’s become public knowledge. Namely, that Kiffin threatened to take his staff and players with him to Baton Rouge if Ole Miss brass didn’t let him finish out the season. That alone was enough to burn up all the goodwill across the CFB community that he spent years building.

But, hey, that’s normal college football stuff. Sure, I don’t think a reporter has ever said “you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife” about a college football coach before – which, by the way, he was right about. But the power of the SEC BurnerVerse has unearthed more dirt on Kiffin than I even thought possible.

Lane Kiffin’s exit has led to stories about drug use, sleeping with sorority girls, dog fraud (more on that later), and some of the horniest DMs ever sent by a 50-year-old man:

So this dude was just running around Oxford, MS, as a state employee doing copious amounts of blow and hooking up with college students three at a time? Objectively, that’s pretty damn cool. Not really my speed, I’m more of a one-woman man, but to each his own (and someone else’s, too, in Kiffin’s case).

I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “How is he out here linking with Ole Miss sorority girls left and right?” Well, the answer is that he relentlessly DMs them on whichever platform he can locate them. Snapchat, Instagram, hell, I’m sure he’s sent a horned-up Google+ DM at some point in his time on earth.

I mean, what an absolutely prolific run out of Kiffin. It’s hard for me to pick a favorite, but I think his message to the infamous Mary Kate Cornett – yes, the very same – takes the cake. I love a Mary Kate as much as the next guy, though I much prefer a different spelling, but checking in on her boyfriend and just immediately asking for her Snapchat twice as a 50-year-old is patently insane work.

Release the #LanesteinFiles II: Lane Kiffin continues to DM Ole Miss co-eds from Baton Rouge, gets exposed for hot yoga exploits, and more

“Will u marry me?” would honestly take the cake if I had a timestamp on that message. If it was sent between the hours of 2 am to 4 am, that’s CFB Hall of Fame-level shit.

One of my biggest questions is, how many of these girls are his daughter’s friends? Landry Kiffin is an Ole Miss student, so I can’t imagine members of her friend group haven’t heard their phone buzz and picked it up only to see a “U up?” text from her dad.

Honestly, the most concerning one for me is that he’s asking this girl for her mom’s Instagram three separate times throughout the day. My problem isn’t that he’s persistent; sometimes you have to double-text to land a date. But it’s that he’s going for someone age-appropriate. Clearly, this decision has been messing with him.

Is this scandalous and extremely unbecoming of a university employee? Absolutely. Is there a chance some of this is fake to help further shred an already tattered reputation? No doubt.

But what is potentially the most bizarre part of the story is that his dog, Juice Kiffin (great name), isn’t even his dog and will not be coming with him to Baton Rouge.

That’s right, we’ve gotten to the dog fraud.

I mean, what the hell is going on with this Lane Kiffin saga? Everywhere I turn, there’s more information that makes my head spin. His womanizing ways, while unsavory, have always been known.

But this? A PR pooch that hardly ever lived at his home? That’s a bridge too far for me. We all know the American political tradition of candidates and those recently elected to office getting a dog to appear more relatable. Obama’s dog, Bo, was one of the most scrutinized aspects of his first term.

Lane Kiffin and his team clearly took a page out of this book to help rehabilitate his image. I don’t know to what extent this worked, but it’s clear that the Ole Miss faithful loved that pup, as he amassed 71.2 thousand followers in the three years since joining Twitter. There’s even a Premium and Premium+ subscription option that would pay this dog up to $237 per year per subscriber.

Just heinous stuff out of Lane Kiffin’s team. Where was that money even going? My guess is it’s going to the coach’s non-profit, Kiffin’s Kokaine Fund.

It doesn’t matter now, since apparently there’s no word on if sweet baby Juice will be joining his absentee father at LSU.

Release the #LanesteinFiles II: Lane Kiffin continues to DM Ole Miss co-eds from Baton Rouge, gets exposed for hot yoga exploits, and more

If he doesn’t, he should become the official mascot of Ole Miss football. Imagine Lane’s face when he returns to Oxford with LSU only to see the dog that he abandoned roaming the sidelines. Granted, he probably won’t be able to feel his face due to all the nose beers he consumed pregame, but still.

As an LSU fan, I’m thrilled we got Kiffin to Baton Rouge. But I can’t say I’m thrilled with how all of this went down. Granted, I wasn’t born into the SEC sickness, so I can’t speak for true fans.

So I’m rolling with the Rebels on this one. Total scumbag move by Lane Kiffin, but that’s just the way he likes it. In the meantime, I’ll be bumping my new favorite song, rooting for the Rebs like crazy in their quest for a National Championship.

Release the #LanesteinFiles II: Lane Kiffin continues to DM Ole Miss co-eds from Baton Rouge, gets exposed for hot yoga exploits, and more

Gear up in the TLL Shop

Very real and legitimate journalist. I don't see a loss on the schedule.

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