Goddammit, Philadelphia.

I was minding my business scrolling through Twitter today and was hit over the head by this ludicrous tweet:

Now, this is not to insult the author of the tweet. They are simply bringing to light how ridiculous society has become. In the tweet, you can see two separate listings for the Phantastic Auction, the Phillies’ annual charity auction event.

Now, I am all for supporting charities, but you cannot expect me to sit idly by when people are willing to PAY to MOW CBP’s outfield. Yeah, sure, the money is going to charity. I love that, do it for the kids, all that awesome stuff. But at the same time, it’s paying to do manual labor. Things just are not adding up with that one.

What’s even more horrendous, hilarious, or both is the fact that more people would rather pay to mow a lawn than take a hitting lesson with Alec Bohm. Learn to hit from one of last season’s Rookie of the Year finalists? Hell no. Let me mow the whole outfield with a push mower. Here’s $600 for the privilege.

What’s next, though, Phillies? Auctioning off the chance to repaint the lines in the parking lot? Or maybe install new outfield bleachers? Next thing we know The Bank will be crawling with fans rebuilding the stadium from the ground up. And in the end, John Middleton will be sitting on the roof of the Holiday Inn in a lawn chair with a glass of cucumber water, chuckling at this fanbase while he gets a new stadium and turns a profit in the process.

In the end, does any of this matter? No, not at all. I’m sure whoever wins this is extremely passionate about lawn care and irrigation. There’s no doubt will have an absolute ball mowing a vast expanse of Kentucky bluegrass under the hot summer sun. It’s either that or a wildly expensive way for a parent to punish their kid.

I’m just glad the money is going to a good cause. I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of paying to mow a lawn, but whatever. I wish I hadn’t seen this today because now I’m questioning humanity’s trajectory. There’s been a lot of that this week.

Regardless, I hope whoever wins the privilege to mow the outfield at Citizens Bank park enjoys it to the fullest. I also hope that whoever wins that hitting lesson with Alec Bohm takes it all with a grain of salt. As for the fielding lesson, I say just skip that one entirely.

Mandatory Credit: Phillies Nation