Philly Cheesesteak Pizza disgusts millions, case draws interest from International Criminal Court
In a move surprising none but disgusting many, Food Insider released a video showing the newest way non-Philadelphians have found to destroy our culinary traditions: the Cheesesteak Pizza.
How disgusting is that? I’ve heard of a cheesesteak pizza before. I’ve even indulged my inner demon by ordering one from Domino’s. But this? This is too messed up. It’s like the Elephant Man of foodstuffs. Hopefully, you did not look at it for too long, or the image will be seared into your brain for all eternity.
However, the worst part isn’t that it’s not close to a cheesesteak. The worst part is that it isn’t even pizza. I mean, look at that abomination. Quarter-melted kraft singles on top of Steak-umm meat, mixed with mushrooms and green peppers, all layered on top of what appears to be a pre-cooked pizza shell from their local Acme. What a waste of food.
I don’t know why, but the food-related tragedies have been piling up in 2021. I thought we as a city would be allowed to move past the three-block cheesesteak debacle, but no. God (or, more likely, the Devil) had other plans.
This harlequin baby made of meat, cheese, and dough is a legitimate atrocity and should be treated as such. I called for the International Criminal Court to take action the last time the cheesesteak was perverted in such a manner. Hopefully, my connections in the Netherlands will come through, and the Court will act quickly. I expect an International War Crimes Tribunal to be convened by early Spring 2022.
Of course, this pile of hog manure they call a meal hails from somewhere in New York City. How many times do we need to tell other cities to leave our food alone? And even if you can’t keep your grubby little fingers off our delicacies, at least leave our name out of it.
Cooking and serving that horrible sight is one thing, but calling it a Philly Cheesesteak Pizza is patently false, bordering on criminally fraudulent. I genuinely hope whoever devised this scheme is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Those that aided and abetted in the creation and distribution of that middle finger to an entire region’s culinary identity should be punished as well.
I’ve had enough of these people that claim to be our countrymen outwardly disrespecting us like this. Either do your own thing or follow the directions. Cheesesteaks are so damn easy to make, as are pizzas. Just do it correctly.
I will say, we Philadelphians should still extend our sympathies to the people of New York. They didn’t ask for this. Their iconic food is, of course, pizza, and it has also been blatantly disrespected by this creation. If not for the barely-melted processed bogus cheese on top, New Yorkers would have an argument that they and their beloved pizza are the more injured party.
Regardless of the New York and Philly rivalry, I think we can all come together and condemn this circular atrocity. My stomach is flipped upside down just writing about it. I’ll have to get a cheesesteak from my local place just to forget about it all. Some drown their sorrows in booze, but I prefer to bury mine under piles of Italian rolls, chopped beef, and cheese.
If anybody needs to talk about this horrible act, we here at The Liberty Line are available to chat. Shoot us a DM. We are the People’s Sports Blog, and this situation requires us on the front lines.
We’ve got your back, Philadelphia.
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Mandatory Credit: Food Insider
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