Before we start this, I want to apologize to my grandmother for the coarse language that may show up in this article. That being said, what the fuck is this cheesesteak?

I thought about writing a fun little joke about the United Nations intervening or the International Criminal Court making indictments for English colonial and culinary atrocities, but no. This is far too upsetting for me to look at, let alone joke about.

Nobody should be joking at a time like this. Just take a moment to take in every aspect and undertone present in that tweet. The name of the restaurant is Tony’s New York Deli. And they’re serving a “Philly” cheesesteak. Absolutely disgusting behavior.

Although I suppose it is authentic to New York, but only in the sense that they routinely find a way to pervert the cheesesteak. I don’t even want to know what that mixture of cheese is on top, but it sure as hell isn’t standard. The grease is a telltale sign that there is shitty pizza mozzarella in there, which is excellent on pizza but not on a steak. 

We all know English palates are more often than not severely underdeveloped. The nation as a whole is culinarily challenged. They stopped cooking meat with spices because poor people started to afford them, and the rich didn’t dig that. The English nobility boiled meat for centuries because it took a long time, and the lower class did not have the time to cook in that manner. What a bunch of losers.

Their entire culinary history was an elitist game of cat and mouse that led them so deep down the rabbit hole they don’t know how to get out. And now here we are, stuck with our centuries-removed former colonial overlords making a mockery of our own iconic cheesesteak. Despicable. Diabolical, even.

Full disclosure, the bread looks pretty solid. That’s the ONLY reason I might forgive those I’ve seen on the timeline saying the sandwich looks “delicious,” which it certainly does not.

You know what, I’m too upset to keep writing. God damn limey bastard ruin everything. At least Italy beat their bum asses in the European Championship final, as I predicted, no less. The English need to learn how to use social media before they try their hand at cheesesteaks.

Stay on that side of the pond, bozos. We don’t want your grubby fingers on our sandwiches.