All eyes turned to a three-block stretch of 9th St in South Philadelphia this week. Local residents watched in horror as their usually idyllic neighborhood was turned into an impromptu battleground of meat, cheese, and, most dangerously, ideologies. The subject of this conflict? Hoagies. Or, as it is now known, the infamous “3 Block Hoagie.”

Rumblings began early on Monday, with locals, news crews, and even a helicopter gathering to see what exactly was going on in South Philly. When reports of a three-block-long cheesesteak first broke, the Philly Twitter timeline went into a tizzy. Hundreds of hoagies and cheesesteaks are made every day in that part of town, but never one massive sandwich. Some called it “the most Philly thing that has ever happened.” We were witnessing history! Or so we thought…

Like so many other international incidents, this began innocuously. Without all of the information, it seemed like a positive thing. It was bringing the community together after a long year stuck in our homes due to a pandemic. However, as the day went on and we learned more about the project’s methods and execution, it became far darker than anyone could have expected.

Two critical pieces of information were withheld from the public.

First, it was NOT a three-block-long cheesesteak. Instead, it was multiple cheesesteaks laid out end to end across a series of tables.

Second, the whole thing had a range of different sandwiches available in each section.

In the end, the people were lied to, simply put. When I read “three-block-long cheesesteak,” I don’t interpret that as “three blocks of different kinds of sandwiches laid out in a long-ass line.” And neither should you. I, for one, am not a proponent of outrage culture. However, this crime against humanity leaves me no choice.

While the Mayor’s office here in Philadelphia has yet to make a statement (what else can you expect from Comrade Kenney?), our plight has not gone unnoticed abroad.

Just as many within the city limits claimed, this defrauding of the good people of Philly can be considered a war crime. Fortunately, both the United Nations and International Criminal Court have condemned the actions of these radical actors on 9th St.

While we all learned from the Chappelle Show that the UN is absolutely useless, the ICC is no joke, folks. They have put some of the world’s most sinister individuals behind bars.

As an expert in international law, I can confidently say ICC prosecutors have a solid case. If I were the legal counsel, I would throw the book at these criminals. Fortunately, our sources in The Hague are relaying positive news for the people of Philadelphia.

The 3 Block Hoagie was undoubtedly one of the biggest tragedies of the 21st century.

What is most upsetting is how easily avoidable this all was. The headline could have easily been “Massive hoagie and cheesesteak platter” or “big line of Philly’s finest sandwiches.” I would not have batted an eye at either one. I would’ve taken some umbrage with the idea that a line of Philly’s best sandwiches is entirely devoid of Fink’s hoagies. That would not have been nearly enough to warrant an article, though.

With all of this said, keep the people of South Philadelphia in your prayers. They’ve been through a lot the past 24 hours. Hopefully, the ICC can gain President Biden’s approval to come and arrest those responsible. Until then, sleep with one eye open and be wary of any suspiciously long hoagies or cheesesteaks.

Unless it’s a 3ft or 6ft hoagie from Fink’s, that is.

Follow us on Twitch

Listen to The Wolves of Broad St.

Mandatory Credit: NBC10/Travis Hughes