Drew Barrymore to be tried for war crimes due to “Cheesesteak Centipede” in Love Park
Well, my fellow Philadelphians, it’s happened again. Our beloved cheesesteak has been perverted, this time by a member of the Hollywood elite: Drew Barrymore.
Ms. Barrymore was seen in Love Park for her totally unnecessary news show “Drew’s News.” In front of her lay her victims, several Geno’s cheesesteaks jammed together to form a horrible Cheesesteak Centipede. I can’t say anymore, just look at it. First of all, “Drew’s News” is specifically for our fearless leader Drew Smith, but we can put that on the back burner for now, as we have more important things to discuss in this article.
Jesus Christ, that is grim.
I will say, this is a better attempt at a lengthy cheesesteak than the culinary chimera that was “Three Block Hoagie,” but that’s an incredibly low bar. Totally reasonable Geno’s slander aside – just look at those poor cheesesteaks. They had their ends cut off and were placed in a line, face to ass in broad daylight for all to see.
What kind of sick, sick woman would do such a thing? It’s a shame, too, because I love Drew Barrymore. The woman is an entertainment icon. That’s what makes this blatant disregard for the cheesesteak, the bastion of Philly food culture, even more upsetting. This Culver City hotshot I thought I enjoyed watching in films just hit me with a gut-punch.
For outsiders, Geno’s is nothing but a tourist trap. As Philadelphians, we know this, and avoid such establishments at all costs. What do we have to do to ensure that visitors know this before embarrassing themselves in the heart of center city? How many times do outsiders have to go through oversight committees based on their actions within city limits? Drew Barrymore should know better. Whoever put her up to this should know better too. You aren’t winning anyone over by setting up a Geno’s cheesesteak stand in Love Park. Now, we just laugh at you and send you to beg for mercy at the hands of the commission.
What commission? Well, luckily in Philadelphia, we have an oversight committee. Sandwich review board, The Philadelphia Hoagie Commission, released their statement yesterday:
We really are fortunate in this city to have a group of individuals dedicated to preserving the sanctity of our sandwiches on a long roll. Hoagies, cheesesteaks, you name it, the PHC has got it covered. Sure, the International Criminal Court has remained silent, but the PHC has stepped in with their cease and desist. Hopefully, Drew Barrymore takes notice.
Until justice is served, make sure you grab yourself a real Philadelphia hoagie from Finks. This is not an advertisement for Finks. They certainly don’t pay us to create such content, but maybe a free hoagie for the boys would be nice.