Oh my good Lord in Heaven, the devil draws nearer. Need proof? Look no further than this heinous cheesesteak, available for purchase at American Family Field, home of the Milwaukee Brewers.

As the tweet from Matt Gelb shows, known Sconnie Todd Zolecki ordered, ate, and presumably paid for what can only be described as not a cheesesteak. I have written about plenty of cheesesteak abominations for The Liberty Line. However, this is not one of them because it simply isn’t even a cheesesteak.

Yes, this is a sandwich containing the three main elements: bread, steak, and cheese. However, that does not remotely make it a cheesesteak, especially not one worthy of Philly in the title.

Now, I’ve had steak sandwiches, and that definitely appears to be a steak sandwich. If anybody has ever gotten the Steak, Egg, & Cheese from our Lord and Saviour McDonald’s, you’ll know what I mean. From the pressed patty of the meat to the fried onions haphazardly tossed on top. Absolutely a form of steak sandwich. 

So, no problem, right? Wrong.

There is still something that’s seriously getting to me, and that is the cheese.

Looking at that unmelted hunk of cheese for too long made my eyes roll back and see the Burning Gates of Hell. The only thing that brought me back to reality was my mother knocking on the door, saying, “Ryan, I’m so glad you’ve gotten back into Latin.”

So, yeah, this is devil-type stuff. I have yet to hear an official ruling from the sole governing body of long sandwiches in these United States: The Philadelphia Hoagie Commission. If they have not taken this case under consideration, I urge them to action.

The fate of humanity as we know it is at stake.

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Mandatory Credit: Matt Gelb