FOX 29 anchor Jason Martinez’s depraved bunless cheesesteak molested my eyeballs
As the headline says, FOX 29 anchor and newly minted enemy of the people Jason Martinez tweeted out a photo of a bunless cheesesteak. When will you sickos learn????? I feel like I write one of these weekly, and every time someone manages to wreck my faith in humanity. So without further ado, here it is:
Jason… what’s up, buddy? Are you okay? It’s just chopped steak, cheese, and onions piled up; I don’t even know what I’m looking at.
I keep trying to write sentences, but they keep coming out as questions, so here are my biggest concerns:
- How is somebody even supposed to eat that?
- Did they seriously wrap it in paper and aluminum foil like an actual sandwich?
- What fucked up individual put this together and went, “yup, that’s a cheesesteak?”
- How is Jason Martinez allowed to do the news anymore?
I just don’t understand how anybody even considered this to be a viable option. I’m not saying it isn’t food, but it’s definitely not a meal – if that makes sense.
I want to be clear here, I can’t believe such a front-facing member of the Philadelphia media chose to tweet such a thing. If Jason Martinez wants to eat a bunless cheesesteak, go ahead. However, he has to do it like Ginny Sack eats candy in “The Sopranos”: on the floor, hidden from the ones she loves most, and full of shame.
Now, look, I’m sure Jason Martinez is a good guy. I’m sure he’s just trying to cut carbs out and be a bit healthier. I get it. Hell, the guy is on TV daily. So I understand taking extra steps to look good.
That said, if you can’t eat bread, just don’t eat a cheesesteak, Jason. Or, at least wrap it in lettuce or something. That would at least make it into something resembling a sandwich. Whatever you do, definitely don’t hashtag this abomination #PhillyCheesesteak.
Granted, I am merely a sandwich commentator; I am but one man in the vast expanse of sandwich-related existence. There is only so much I can do. Hell, I don’t even know if this is a cheesesteak. Let’s take one more look:
Well, is it a cheesesteak?
That, my friends, is for the bright and dedicated minds for the Philadelphia Hoagie Commission to decide. I cannot predict their ruling, nor if they even will rule as it is so disgusting. The PHC has reached out to Jason’s camp with a simple question asking “why?”. We will await further review. Regardless, their words will ring true. That I know for sure.