4th grade nerds in New Jersey can solve a Rubik’s cube, except for one brave hero
In the most underwhelming piece of news I’ve seen in a while, nearly 100% of 4th graders at a New Jersey school can solve a Rubik’s cube.
The little fucking nerds over at Horace Mann Elementary School all seem to have cracked the puzzle.
Why are we supposed to care about Rubik’s cubes exactly?
Before we get into how non-newsworthy this story is, I’d just like to take a moment to further examine the headline. First, what exactly does “Nearly 100%” mean? I looked up Horace Mann, and it’s a K-5 school with 277 students, which leaves an average class size of around 46.
To me, that means there’s one kid that just can’t seem to figure it out.
God damn, how could anybody think this an okay story to run? The public won’t know that kid is the dummy, but the kid will. Their classmates will. That can’t feel good.
But guess what, little buddy, it doesn’t matter. Rubik’s cubes are for fucking nerds. So many people can’t solve a Rubik’s cube, and they do just fine.
Hell, do you think 4th graders in China are sitting around learning how to solve a Rubik’s cube? Absolutely not! They’ve got much more on their plate that a handheld puzzle game. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
So, when you see your classmates fiddling around with a hunk of plastic trying to make the colors match like a bunch of simpletons, just be sure to remind them that they are yet another reason why this country is dying.
Maybe this will come off as salty because I never learned how to solve a Rubik’s cube. I don’t care. I think they’re dumb. Plus, the school is in New Jersey, and everyone outside the state knows a ‘New Jersey Rubik’s Cube’ when they see one.
Mandatory Credit: 6ABC