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Philadelphia Cream Cheese will pay customers $20 to not buy their product due to supply chain issues

Philadelphia Cream Cheese has announced it will be paying thousands of lucky customers $20 to… not(?) buy their product. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and check the tweet yourself:

Supply chain shortages apparently have left the dairy giant reeling and prepared to pay people to buy something else. If you’re a big fan of cream cheese or just want a free 20 bucks, be sure to click the link in that tweet at noon Saturday, Dec. 18.

I’ll be honest with you, though, I don’t understand this move from a business perspective. I’m sure the executives thought it through, and it’s some genius way to save money, but still.

Philadelphia already conned the country into thinking it’s from Philly (actually based in upstate New York), so I’m skeptical of this play. Philadelphia’s entire business was built on lies. Could it just be another scam from those predatory dairy processors?

It all seems fishy to me, but what do I know? I’ve never been a numbers guy, plus I’m not a businessman. I’m a business, man.

My business acumen aside, I find this whole concept to be a bit odd. It’s mainly because Philadelphia’s announcement refers to a ‘Christmas cheesecake’ like it’s a cultural cornerstone. I personally have never had a special ‘Christmas cheesecake,’ and those I asked about the concept looked at me like I made up something stupid.

Granted, most of them were my family members, and we’re big on cannoli and Christmas cookies. The family loves a good cheesecake, but it’s not part of our celebrations of Baby Jesus’s birth.

That is not to say we don’t use cream cheese on Dec. 25, especially not for dessert. Instead, we use it in our breakfast on Christmas morning. There’s nothing quite like bagels with lox and cream cheese to celebrate Jesus’ Jewish heritage.

Jokes aside, these supply chain issues have me worried about my own family tradition. Are our blocks of beloved cream cheese destined to sit in the backed up Port of Los Angeles? Or, worse, will they be subject to the treacherous crossing at the Suez Canal? If they’re held up in the South China Sea, the Conway household might as well kiss Christmas goodbye.

Shipment of Philadelphia cream cheese waits to be unloaded

A sad sight to see indeed.

Needless to say, I don’t know where Philadelphia makes the cream cheese.

And I don’t intend to find out, either. Here’s hoping we can get the supply chain sorted out, or I get my free 20 bucks so I can bet with it on Parx Sportsbook using code WOLVES69 for a risk free bet up to $500.

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Mandatory Credit: ABC7

Very real and legitimate journalist. I don't see a loss on the schedule.

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