The Dallas Cowboys have already proven themselves the pettiest franchise in the NFL. Now they’ve taken it to a new level, serving a “Cowboys Cheesesteak” during events at AT&T Stadium.

A photo of the now-infamous stand from Cotton Bowl circulated on Twitter last night. When I saw it, I knew that I had to give my assessment as The Liberty Line’s resident sandwich commentator.

Before even getting to the cheesesteaks, we need to look at the stand itself:

There is clearly so much wrong with this image, but there’s one particular aspect that beautifully sums how terrible the whole thing is. Reading “The Real Cheese Steak” almost killed me. The space in the middle nearly sent me to the deepest ring of Hell. 

That placard alone should completely discredit whatever sort of fuckery is going on in Arlington. 

The Cowboys serving a cheesesteak is quite literally an unholy act, something that in ancient times would lead to stoning or being thrown off a cliff. Unfortunately, the legal system has progressed past the need for these draconian punishments.

I know our friends over at The Philadelphia Hoagie Commission have both legal and sandwich expertise, so I’ll defer to them for an official ruling.

Honestly though, I don’t even need to see the cheesesteak to know it’s complete trash.

“But wait, Ryan! Give them a chance! What if they’re good?” said absolutely nobody.

You know what, fine. Luckily for nobody, the Twitter user that shared the original photo stuck around to see what a cheesesteak “The Cowboy Way” really looks like. The results are entirely unsurprising.

There. Are you happy now? You’ve stared into the void, and the void stared back at you. None of us will see heaven because of this.

Forget getting the government involved anymore. No international tribunal will save us from this horrendous chimera of meat and cheese.

This is purely a spiritual matter. I’ve already reached out to religious leaders in Jerusalem, Vatican City, and Mecca, but I fear it may be too late.

May God have mercy on us.

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Mandatory Credit: @coasterfreek