A complete month-by-month forecast of everything that will happen in Philly sports during 2022
Like most people in Philadelphia, I was extremely hungover on New Year’s Day, and started to grow deeply concerned about what 2022 had in store for our beloved Philadelphia Sports teams.
Unlike most people, which definitely includes our sweet, dear readers, I have been gifted with second sight. When I’m hungover, I can look deep into the porcelain depths of the toilet bowl and see a glimpse into the future.
Behold! Here are 12 predictions for the next 12 months in Philly sports!
On January 27th, the NBA All Stars are announced. Ben Simmons is named a starter due to overwhelming fan demand. He announces he cannot attend the game and is in fact quitting basketball to support his fiancé’s career as a British TV personality.
Somehow, everyone is okay with this…?
On February 13th, the Super Bowl is played after Twitter demands rescheduling due to COVID-22 outbreak and 80% of the league in health and safety protocols.
The Philadelphia Eagles face off against Carson Wentz and the Indianapolis Colts. In a lucky break for the Eagles, Carson Wentz is injured rough housing with Pat McAfee on a live stream event the night before.
The Eagles win easily, but still refuse to consider Jalen Hurts their franchise quarterback.
On March 17th, St. Patrick’s Day, the Flyers find themselves embroiled in a major controversy as Gritty drunkenly assaults a Nashville Predators fan.
The team rallies around a “Free Gritty” movement and secure an 8th seed in the playoffs only to lose in the first round, while Chuck Fletcher claims that they are “this close” to competing for a Stanley Cup in 2023.
On April 28th, with their first round draft picks, the Eagles select UCLA OT Sean Rhyan in the 2022 NFL Draft, causing riots to break out across the city.
They are only worsened when Howie Roseman trades away the other first round picks for Baker Mayfield.
Donovan McNabb is seen barbecuing Swoop outside of Independence Hall.
Assistant Coach Sam Cassell is named Head Coach. Rumors swirl that he has called Ben Simmons to see if he can get him to return from London, but nothing comes of it, as Simmons is committed in hosting a new reality TV series entitled “How I escaped America, and found love in the United Kingdom.”
On June 1st, the MLB lockout finally ends, only to quickly restart when owners and players can’t agree on who gets to announce the news.
The MLBPA demanded that Mike Trout come to New York City to announce the news. Trout, scared of the spotlight and afraid to leave Anaheim, disguises himself as Iron Man and hides in the Marvel Universe at Disneyland.
In Philadelphia, John Middleton increases ticket prices 1000% to make up for lost revenue. To show he means business he turns his pockets inside out and claims to be willing to do anything to earn a sandwich.
On July 2nd The MLB season finally begins. The Phillies start the year by ceremonially destroying the fake Phanatic as fans parade the now torn apart body of the Fauxnatic throughout Citizens Bank concourse and into Jetro Parking lot.
The same fans that had sex with a headless Ben Simmons’ piñata do the same to the old mascot.
Inside Citizens Bank Park, Bryce Harper hits for the cycle while wearing the Fauxnatic’s head like a coonskin cap, but the Phillies still loose after the bullpen surrenders 10 runs in the bottom of the 9th inning.
On August 28th, Nick Sirianni enters practice wearing a quarterback factory t-shirt created by The Liberty Line, and starts a QB controversy by saying that Baker Mayfield has what it takes to be a winner.
Fans scour the internet looking for the t-shirt, but at this point, The Liberty Line website has been deleted given the events over the last six months, and Drew Smith has fled the country to be an extra in Ben Simmons’ reality TV show in the United Kingdom.
With the QB controversy, Jalen Hurts lists his home for sale. Upon hearing the news, Angelo Cataldi unretires, to return to the airwaves dressed as Baker Mayfield in a Progressive commercial.
On September 18th, Carter Hart is at a press scrum after a preseason charity event. He defiantly states this is an “All or Nothing” year for the Flyers.
While giving his speech to the press he becomes so overcome with emotion that he suffers from a bout of hysterical blindness. He is sidelined for the foreseeable future and considers playing piano at the new dueling piano bar that opened up in the same month at Xfinity Live.
On October 16th, Jalen Hurts is benched during an Eagles blow out loss.
Baker Mayfield comes in and throws three touchdowns in garbage time.
Sean Rhyan is now starting at Right Guard due to a wave of injuries.
Twitter users tweet that Howie Roseman is a genius.
On Thanksgiving, Ben Simmons makes a surprise announcement following word he has split from his wife after his reality TV show was cancelled.
Simmons expresses interest in returning to Philadelphia to play for the 76ers and proposes to Daryl Morey that he can create NFTs of him getting off the plane at Philadelphia International Airport.
Morey, who now can only be contacted in the Metaverse, agrees to bring Ben Simmons back to the team, and then abruptly trades him to the Nets for James Harden in the NBA’s first ever crypto-based acquisition.
On Christmas day, the FBI raids the Wells Fargo Center. It is revealed that Tobias Harris is actually the alter ego of Sir Lucas Capetian, CEO of Color Star.
76ers fans realize that they have not actually been watching the team play at the Wells Fargo Center, but rather have been seeing holographic projections of the 76ers while Harris in the rest of the team spend their days inside the Metaverse with Daryl Morey.
A web of lies and deceit are revealed. Tobias Harris escapes into the Metaverse, never to be seen again.
So there you have it. 2022, laid bare for all to see.
Of course if the Eagles sign Aaron Rodgers the entire timeline gets thrown into flux. I can’t be held accountable for the accuracy of these predictions.
Mandatory Credit: Photo by Hulki Okan Tabak on Unsplash