Tom Brady finally retires, ending 22-year reign of terror
Our long national nightmare is finally over. Tom Brady is retiring from the NFL. Football fans across the world can rejoice. When news broke this afternoon there was an explosion of national jubilation not seen since Seal Team 6 took out Bin Laden.
Tom Brady, the serial cheater, the pettiest, sorest loser to ever exist is finally gone.
We can finally look forward to a NFL season where we won’t have to hear Patriots or Tom Brady Fanboys fantasize about a Belichick vs Brady Super Bowl. He won’t be in the playoffs getting every favorable call. We won’t have to hear Chris Collinsworth abandon all partiality because “Here’s a guy who just wants to win!”
Eagles fans love to talk about how Tom Brady sulked off the field and hid from Nick Foles after Super Bowl 52.
Tom Brady was so petty that four years and two Super Bowl titles after he lost to the Eagles in Super Bowl 52, he attempted to troll Eagles fans with the use of “Dreams and Nightmares” in an instagram post after winning in the Wild Card round. It said more about his mental illness than anything. Most Eagles fans probably wouldn’t have noticed. But of course the lame national press noticed. He wasn’t funny or interesting, but ESPN and the like loved to tell us how fascinating he was.
This two bit snake oil salesman somehow became the subject of not one, but two docuseries about his career while he was still playing. The hook of it all is that he played a long time. What a story. I wonder if we’ll ever find out how he was able to do that?
There will always be a cloud of uncertainty hanging over Tom Brady’s career.
Tom Brady mysteriously improved as a professional football player in the last decade of his career. His trainer was implicated in distributing PEDs. This will never be investigated. In spite of how the Tom Brady fans love to act like Roger Goodell had a deep hatred of their golden boy, the reality is the NFL loved having Tom Brady do his thing. He was the NFL’s answer to Michael Jordan or LeBron James. A singular player that could be bigger than the sport itself.
The Tom Brady fans will say I’m a sore loser. “Brady owns you. LOL. 7 titles.” Brady owns nothing. He owns nothing except the contempt he inspires in the souls of all who cherish fair play and decency. He benefitted at every turn from dumb luck and outright cheating. The vast majority of football fans recognize this, but media narrative remains the same.
There will be those out there that will cry crocodile tears. They’ll talk about how “IMPORTANT” Tom Brady was to the game. You’ll see a flood of national media figures posting his career statline followed by the “goat” emoji. You lived through it though. You know it’s simpering pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Tom Brady isn’t going anywhere.
We’ll have to spend the rest of our lives hearing about him being the 199th pick. We’ll have to spend the rest of our lives hearing him act like he was a put upon underdog his entire career. The Boston media elites that control the national narrative will continue to burnish the myth of Tom Brady long after we are all dead.
But for this one afternoon in January we can breathe a sigh of relief. We can feel like it’s finally done. Two decades of outrageous luck. 22 years of phantom roughing the passer calls. All of the years of hearing about his bullshit snake oil and pseudoscience. It’s all over. Good riddance.
Mandatory Credit: NBC Sports