Stateside Vodka wants your Ben Simmons jersey for $25 to donate to Brooklyn’s homeless
Philadelphia’s own Stateside Vodka has announced an incredible deal for the undoubtedly annoyed owners of a Ben Simmons jersey, per Billy Penn. The Kensington distillers of fine spirits will trade you a $25 gift card for your Simmons jersey. Booze for a bozo? Talk about a win-win scenario.
Where will your jersey end up? According to Eddy McGehan of Federal Distilling, they’ll be donated to a homeless shelter somewhere in Brooklyn. The promotion, which runs from now until the end of the month, is one of the more unique player departure-related ones we’ve seen in recent memory.
At first, I thought the promotion was a little silly. I still kind of do. Plus, I didn’t see how giving the homeless a Ben Simmons Sixers jersey was really going to help their situation. I love Stateside’s promo regardless, but I was definitely confused by the choice.
That’s when I realized it goes far beyond a charitable initiative. In fact, Stateside Vodka is planning a sinister act of psychological warfare on Simmons.
When Simmons walks through Brooklyn, every homeless person he sees will be wearing his Sixers jersey. He’ll be constantly reminded of his failures in Philadelphia at every turn.
My god, the people at Stateside are geniuses. That’s some CIA in the 70s type of shit.
Is it a little callous to use innocent people to further damage the psyche of our city’s greatest nemesis? Sure I guess. But in this case, I think it’s worth it.
It’s clear Federal Distilling and Stateside Vodka are not Simmons fans. In fact, it stands to reason they hate the man almost as much as I do.
Hell, Stateside even created a signature cocktail in honor of Simmons’ tenure in Philly:
Yeah, they definitely hate this guy. And rightfully so! They’re fulfilling their duty as a Philly institution.
Just look at the ingredients of “Ben Simmons’ Tears”:
- Stateside Vodka (of course)
- Spiced Vanilla Simple Syrup
- White cranberry peach juice
- Cinnamon sugar rim
No offense to anybody that likes the drink; it looks objectively delicious. But it’s also a perfect drink-based representation of Ben Simmons’ candy ass. There’s a joke about “Steve Nash being the one that has to kiss his cinnamon sugar rim now” in there, but I don’t think it’d be fit for print.
Regardless, If you’re 21+ and own a Simmons jersey, be sure to get your ass over to Stateside and get $25 towards a nice bottle of vodka. DM me if you’re not 21+, and I’ll furnish alcohol to you and your other minor friends.
(For legal reasons, that is a joke).