Move over Lanternflies, there’s a new terrifying bug species from Asia set to conquer the east coast. This time it’s the Joro Spider from Japan slowly creeping its way towards up on the East coast and will surely arrive in Philadelphia by summertime.

What’s so creepy about the Joro Spider?

“A joro spider can grow to be about 3 inches long, including a large bulbous body with bright yellow stripes. Its underbelly has distinctive red markings, and it weaves large webs that look as if they’re spun from golden silk.

It gets its name from Jorōgumo, which in Japanese folklore that can turn itself into a beautiful woman to prey on unsuspecting men.”

via NPR

Great! This is the last thing we need. First we get overrun with Chupacabras, and now Japanese Spider Ladies that want to kill me are coming? When does it stop?

But seriously folks…

These Joro Spiders are currently all over Georgia, and residents there seem very grossed out. Not that that’s stopping them from dragging the creatures all over the country with them. A UGA student just accidentally brought one to Oklahoma.

Not that it matters.

Apparently these monsters can create balloons out of their webs and fly with the wind. Imagine walking along one sunny Summer day and feeling a leaf hit your head. You think nothing of it. The next thing you know there’s a massive spider growing in your hair. Watching…Waiting...

What can we do about these spiders?

Research shows they’re immune to the cold, so freezing them won’t work and unfortunately, there’s too many of them to poison. So yeah, it looks like we may have already lost the Arachno-War before it’s even started. 

Indeed, the eggheads studying them seem to think our best bet is to just learn to live with them because they don’t seem to affect the local environment. Also they aren’t likely to bite you or your pets, and even if they do, their fangs are so small they might not even break your skin.

So what does your Uncle Beercan suggest you do to fight the coming horde of raining Joro Spiders?

Well, probably get an umbrella. And if you’re a weary traveler, and a mysterious Japanese lady offers you the opportunity to stay in her estate, just get the hell out of there!

Important to note, last Spring we were told that killer hornets would be arriving in Philly and they turned out to be a total dud. Hopefully the Joro Spiders at least have the balls to show up.

mandatory credit: Mona Finden