It’s time to give the Phillie Phanatic a flamethrower
The Philadelphia Phillies hit the road last night to embark on a seven game road trip that includes four games in Miami against the Marlins, followed by three games in Colorado against the Rockies. They started off the 2022 MLB season by taking 2-of-3 games from the Oakland Athletics, only to lose 2-of-3 to their NL East rivals in the New York Mets. Brutal.
Now, the Phillies are sitting at the .500 mark heading to Miami, a place that they rarely ever play well. Of course, we are only six games in to a 162 game season, but given the fact that there was so much hype around the Phillies this year, I think it’s important we as a Phillies fan base remain on top of things to help prevent any kind of “return to norm” for the Phillies, who as we all know, haven’t made it to the playoffs in a decade.
That being said, when the Phillies return to Citizens Bank Park on Friday, April 22nd against the Milwaukee Brewers, the Phillie Phanatic needs to have a flamethrower.
The Phanatic made his triumphant return from legal purgatory over the offseason after we were dealt an imposter Phanatic over the past two seasons. He was free to once again dance around and drive his four wheeler with reckless abandon.
Unshackled from the bindings of copyright law the best mascot in the world fell from the sky into Citizens Bank Park on Opening Day, but still something was missing.
Even with the old Phanatic and a new-look Phillies lineup, I can’t stop thinking that our beloved mascot is in desperate need of a flame thrower.
The Phanatic has done a lot of wild stunts over the years. There is the aforementioned parachuting on Opening Day into the ballpark, fighting Tommy Lasorda, watching the entire 2015 season, the list of dangerous stuff he’s done can go on for days.
The Phillie Phanatic shared a razor with Derek Jeter
For some reason, in spite of all of these wild and wacky stunts, The Phillies organization has refused to allow the Phanatic to engage in pyrotechnic mayhem.
Baseball is a famously psychological sport. Can you think of anything that could give the Phillies a bigger edge than letting the Phanatic use a flamethrower?
First things first, the Phanatic takes the field and lights the imposter Phanatic on fire. Burn the fake mascot to ashes and let the entire city of Philadelphia move on, completely forgetting everything that the mascot and the bad baseball seasons had to offer this fanbase.
From there, you have the Phanatic on his signature ATV with a flamethrower lighting replicas of opposing teams mascots on fire or hell, even replicas of opposing team’s players.
How do you think the Mets would react if they took the field with a 2-run advantage and there was an effigy of Pete Alonso burning in front of 40,000+ screaming Philadelphians?
You think there’s any chance in hell the Mets win that game? I don’t think so. You think Pete Alonso will have time to mentally recover from what his family just witnessed?
He’ll be going to therapy for years.
There is also a greater civic reason why the Phillies need to give the Phanatic a flamethrower. As Spring turns to Summer, we’re seeing the return of the lawless ATV riding youths that pretty much control Philadelphia.
A lot of people are scared of these kids. Personally, I am not. I just think they need proper leadership. There is no figure more unifying in the world than the Phillie Phanatic. On his four wheeler, wielding his flamethrower, will lead Philadelphia’s youth. Crime rates would plummet. All of the sudden, the Phanatic becomes what Batman is to Gotham City.
This but with a flamethrower. Kids will love it.
I know a lot of people read The Liberty Line. I know at least one of you reading this right now works in the Phillies organization. Maybe you’re a janitor, maybe you’re the college kid that lets John Middleton buy your blood. Today, your new job is neither of those things. Your job is to print out this blog and get it into John Middleton’s hands.
Together we can build a brighter future. A future lit by the Phanatic’s flamethrower.
Mandatory Credit: (Phanatic AP Photo) (Once upon a time in Hollywood Sony Pictures) (Phanatic Four Wheeler Getty Images)