Bryce Harper answered the most important question of 2021
When Bryce Harper signed with the Philadelphia Phillies on March 2nd, 2019, several questions arose in the city. Would Bryce fit in in Philly? How could he possibly live up to that $330 million contract? How do we know that he won’t become sexually attracted to the Phanatic? Of course, all of these were valid and equally important questions to ask of the Phillies new franchise player.
However, it took until May 2021 and Harper’s third season as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies for the fans to ask the question we should have been asking all along.
Fans in right field asked Bryce Harper to raise a hand indicating if he was an “Ass Man” or “Tits Man.” Just like that, we got our answer. Bryce Harper is an ass man. If you think about it, the answer should have been right in front of us. A great butt can be achieved by anybody with enough hard work and dedication. Sure, there are those blessed with natural talent, but when it comes to butts, hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.
This video also answered the three questions posed at the start of the piece. Yes, Bryce fits in Philadelphia. He obviously values hard work and dedication, just like we do here in Philly. Yes, he’s already lived up to his contract. I’m confident in his drive to improve even more so now than before. Sure, might be a little too into the Phanatic, but if you’re an ass guy, how could you not be?
Being a superstar is one thing. Being an authentic and relatable superstar is another beast entirely. Bryce was always cool and authentic, but now I really feel a connection with him on a deeper level than fandom. Sure, that video is funny. But it also shows Bryce is a real dude. A polished superstar that’s too worried about his image wouldn’t engage with that kind of lunchroom banter, but Bryce is a man of the people.
I’ll never forget when I was eating dinner with my family in 7th grade. My dad asks me, “Ryan are you a breast man or a leg man?” while serving the chicken my lovely mother prepared for us. I, however, was focused entirely on business and told my father, “Honestly, I prefer ass.” At the moment, it seemed like a funny gaffe from a young lad. Looking back, it was clearly a defining moment in my life.
You may be saying, “Ryan, that story was kind of weird – what does that have to do with baseball?” Well, if you’d shut up for a second, I’ll tell you.
I firmly believe this can serve as a defining moment of the season for this Phillies team. Their stud and leader Bryce Harper stood out there in right field with fans hooting and hollering his name. Soon, the entire atmosphere changed when the question of the century was posed. With his two feet firmly planted in the outfield grass, Harper took a moment to contemplate. After that brief pause, he raised his left hand to the air with authority, putting the entire league on notice.
THAT is a leader, Philadelphia. THAT is the man I want charging into battle for my city every damn night.
See you in October.
Check out the latest deals in PA sports betting
Listen to The Wolves of Broad Street
Mandatory Credit: Forbes
[…] I’m sure it’s been hard for the Phanatic not seeing Bryce around. I know they have a special, borderline sexual bond. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Phanatic was moved to […]
[…] be a blog where I make little jokes about each player’s answer or maybe crack wise about Bryce Harper’s fondness of ass. I’m not going to give an ounce of energy engaging directly with this colossal time […]
[…] people at MLB are not only aware Bryce is an ass man, but they’re also fully embracing it. And what better way to do that than putting his love […]