Tulane, PETA, and the monkey cover-up story that rocked America

Last night was absolute chaos at TLL HQ. Shortly after I, Ryan Conway, Arbiter of Truth and Justice, published a post on an alleged diseased-ridden monkey that escaped from a truck in Mississippi, the boys found themselves in the middle of a conspiracy. 

Here’s how it went down. We were made aware of an update on the Citizen App, saying that a lab monkey was on the loose after a semi-truck crash in Mississippi. 

As I always do, I cooked up a quick post about the breaking news. There was no way we weren’t going to alert the great state of Mississippi about an alleged Rhesus monkey, ridden with every Hepatitis imaginable and even COVID-19 (not real). 

It was a pretty basic article, honestly. Incredibly tame compared to most things I write. Several of the monkeys escaped after the crash, while others were trapped inside their cages. Authorities said all but one of the infected animals have since been “destroyed,” but one monkey was still on the loose as of 2 p.m. Officials warned that the monkeys require full protective gear to be handled safely.

No harm, no foul, right? Wrong. 

Disease-carrying monkey on the loose in Mississippi after semi-truck crash

Next thing we know, Tulane University reaches out, immediately asking us to update the story. The initial reports said that the monkey had come from their own labs.

A representative from Tulane promptly reached out to TLL, denying any involvement and even going as far as to say that the monkeys were not diseased. 

Interesting, to say the least. 

Statement from Tulane University:

This response immediately left us with more questions than answers. Tulane basically told us that 1. These are not our monkeys, 2. These primates are not diseased. I don’t know how you know the second point is a fact, while not being the proprietors of the aforementioned primates.

Also, the phrasing of “non-human primates” strikes me as tremendously odd. Nobody thought they were humans to begin with, and I understand science has its preferred nomenclature, but considering the context of their intervention, something is fishy down in New Orleans.

This, of course, leads us to believe that these are neither humans nor monkeys, but a secret third thing. Lab-grown primate-based homunculi are being brutally tested on for the sake of scientific advancement.

Being a website of professional journalists, Drew Smith himself followed up with Tulane and asked them to elaborate on Tulane’s involvement in their efforts to “advance scientific discovery,” and what that specifically means. They responded shortly after saying that they would loop in someone who could answer that question for him.

At this point, we were out on Tulane. That’s where my professional journalism ends. Do I care about advanced scientific discovery? I mean, not really. Does anyone care about science after the world shut down because of COVID-19? They literally told everyone to stay inside and wear a mask while billionaires became trillionaires.

Call us skeptics if you want, but we were already convinced that Tulane was just trying to cover its tracks. And, as you’ll read later, there’s some precedent for this concern.

Next thing you know, those idiots over at PETA chimed in and started talking about the transportation of monkeys, tuberculosis, and all types of shit that no one cared about.

At this point, we all wanted to tell PETA that we wanted to eat the monkey.

Here’s where we knew we were in the midst of a cover-up.

Now that the algorithm had us deep in the monkey game, this clip from Theo Von, a professional member of the media, popped up where he was shockingly discussing monkeys, specifically from Tulane.

Tulane University (allegedly) created the Polio Vaccine?

….A Primate Testing Facility?!

While this doesn’t prove that Tulane was involved with these monkeys in particular, it does set a precedent that the university struggles with monkey management. Very interesting tidbit to say the least.

Meanwhile, I am intrigued by the Kenny Rogers Roasters of which Theo Von speaks. I have to imagine it’s phenomenal. After some cursory research, it appears they are only operating in Asia. It might be time for a trip.

Maybe they can help me come up with a delicious recipe for fried monkey. We currently have Steven Conrad Jr. deployed to Mississippi to track down this primate so we can run some tests and, of course, consume its tender flesh with a side of coleslaw and heavily gravied mashed potatoes.

Regardless of where you fall on this issue, the Lone Monkey remains at large. Stay safe. Stay vigilant. And, if you’re in Mississippi, get your primate-wrangling gear ready.

Gear up in the TLL Shop