Cocaine Sharks are officially back and this year’s version come enhanced with caffeine and pain killers

Cocaine Shark season is back and this year it showed up before summer even started.

A new study published in Environmental Pollution tested blood samples from 85 sharks near Eleuthera Island in the Bahamas and found that nearly a third of them tested positive for caffeine, acetaminophen, anti-inflammatory drugs, and in a few glorious instances, sweet, delicious cocaine.

Cocaine Sharks are officially back:

Sharks Test Positive for Cocaine, Caffeine, from Human Pollution https://t.co/a6XlvbPaPr

— People (@people) March 24, 2026

If you want to know how the hell a bunch of nerdy scientists managed to round up 85 sharks for testing, your guess is as good as mine.

That’s the first red flag every damn time our annual cocaine shark report is released and after years of reporting on it, I’ve never taken the opportunity to look into it. I do know without a doubt, it just doesn’t pass the eye test. What are these researchers and scientists doing testing 85 sharks for cocaine and other drugs?

Does that actually make sense to anyone? Whatever, I guess.

The new set of researchers are calling these substances contaminants of emerging concern but if they’ve been paying attention, the sharks are basically calling it Tuesday night out at sea.

Recreational boaters find 65 pounds of Eagle Cocaine off the coast of Florida, foolishly hand it over to authorities >>

The lead researcher explained that Eleuthera is a remote island and the substances are getting into the water because people are going there and peeing in the ocean and dumping sewage.

I know. It’s not even like they have sound research on the topic either, yet somehow they go crazy viral because they put the word cocaine next to sharks and call it science. It’s honestly crazy.

Again, I have been following Cocaine Sharks for years at this point and I want to be clear about something. Every few months like clockwork the scientific community produces one of these studies. Every fall there is a new flu strain. Every summer there is an insect swarm. And every year without fail there is a Cocaine Shark report.

This year Cocaine Sharks simply decided to get an early start.

A few years ago, scientists at the University of Florida announced they were going to investigate claims of drug-addicted sharks off the coast of Florida based entirely on tales from fishermen in the Florida Keys.

Tales from fishermen. That was the sourcing.

The University of Florida approved the study. Think about actually being a researcher and presenting that case in a funding meeting with a straight face.

That is either the greatest hustle in the history of academia or a drug-fueled Discovery Channel Shark Week marketing activation dressed up as science.

I am still fairly convinced it is a mixture of both.

Report: Cocaine Sharks rumored to be off the coast of Florida, feasting off dumped drugs from smugglers trying to reach the coast >>

4 Years Straight: Cocaine Sharks pop up around Discovery Channel’s Shark Week…

This is now the fourth straight year that reports of Cocaine Sharks start circling the internet right around Shark Week.

How actual scientific institutions get these studies approved is genuinely insane until you peel back the curtain and realize it is all happening under the guerrilla marketing guise of Discovery’s programming calendar, then it makes perfect sense.

I have never been able to rule out the possibility that these studies are simply a way for scientists to obtain large quantities of cocaine under the cover of marine biology and then give some of it to sharks.

I cannot prove that. I also cannot disprove it.

What I can tell you is that I am fairly confident the real goal is railing lines at work, engagement farming on the internet, and laughing at everyone while collecting insane amounts of money for effectively marketing Shark Week.

And please, do not get it confused. That sounds exactly like what I did every year in college while watching Shark Week. The only difference is that I was buying the cocaine instead of getting it for free in the name of science while the Discovery Channel lined my pockets.

What I do know is that if someone offered me a grant to test the effects of mushrooms on the raccoon that lives behind my building, I would accept immediately, put on a lab coat, and report back with detailed findings.

Do not judge me. At least I am being honest about it.

Bummer: 110 pounds of cocaine valued at $1.5 million washed ashore in Alabama and was foolishly turned over to authorities >>

The researchers say the substances could impact the sharks’ health and potentially the local economy. Which economy specifically is unclear. The study was conducted on a remote island in the Bahamas that is not exactly a major metropolitan hub. Whatever economy they are worried about is probably fine.

The ocean is already a genuinely terrifying place without adding cocaine to the equation. Sharks zooted on painkillers and stimulants swimming around Eleuthera does not make the calculus any better.

Maybe just stick to the pool this summer.

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